I feel like every time I post something, I start with "man, it's been a while" or some such. It's like I write something that I need to say, and then I'm good for a while. But before I know it, all of the unsaid feelings and thoughts start to weaken the dam I built and eventually, I need to let it out again.

So, last time, I was single, lonely, depressed, and fat.

I did the P90x thing for a while, until the guy who I was doing it with bailed on me. One day it was a sunburn, then he was nauseous, etc. Long story short, I'm holding pretty steady between 235 and 240. I'll probably go ahead and buy P90x for myself and just do it here at the apartment. I still want to lose weight, and after actually having some results with that workout dvd, I really want to keep it up.

Still at Domino's and loving it.

Still saying eff school, cause eff school.

Here's the biggest change since the last post. I met someone.

Let me try that again. I didn't exactly meet someone. I met her in high school, when she was the girlfriend of my best friend at the time. She's been part of our little group of friends since then, but we were never particularly close. But I've been around to watch her marry one guy, get divorced from that guy, date another guy, have a baby, and, most recently, leave that guy. She was kind of in need of a shoulder to cry on, and I wanted to be there for her. And before I knew it, I fell for her and her 17 month old daughter. They turned my lonely depressing existence into a little mini family. My apartment used to be full of pizza boxes and Subway wrappers. Now it's full of little baby toys and clothes and stuff. Every single thing about who I thought I was as a person has flipped on its head.

Before we found each other, I was absolutely certain that I would never want to date anyone with a kid. I felt like I was a kid myself. I can barely figure out what I need, much less take care of a small human. So, I avoided moms like the plague. But, I spent five minutes picking this little girl up and twirling her around in the air and watching her face light up and that huge grin on her face before I realized that THIS was what my life was missing. I was missing family. I needed family.

Now, I'm not saying everything is peaches and cream. The gf and I get into squabbles here and there, like every couple, but she plops down on the couch next to me, drapes her leg over mine, and lays her head on my shoulder, and we just watch the little one play, and it's like, where else would I ever want to be right now?

So, that's what's up now. Still trying to decide on what the little one's gonna call me. I did manage to teach her the "mama mama mama mama ma ma ma ma mum mum mum mum mommy mommy mommy" thing from Family Guy. I'm gonna try to teach her to say "vile woman" or "what the deuce" or "You have the power to end this!"

Haven't done this in a while. Things have changed.

Riding solo, again. The girl and I went through a couple months of pretty bad arguments and just general not feeling good. We had reached a point where we were gonna try something new to fix things, and then the next thing I knew, she deleted me from facebook and refused to return my calls or texts. So... Yeah, that was unexpected. After two weeks of waiting for her to mail me my stuff back, since she refused to see me, I decided to drive to her and get it. She left my stuff in a box on her porch, and when I knocked on the door to get the rest of it, she sent her roommate to the door and hid in her bedroom. I know she was there. Her car was outside. Anyways, I guess Chapter Closed. I really thought I had something there. Serves me right for thinking I could actually find someone who appreciates me.

Next point of business, Drury, the college I go to, screwed me. They cancelled my student loans three fourths of the way through the semester, forcing me to pay them an ungodly amount of money that I didn't have. I asked them why and they told me it was because I wasn't taking graduate classes. And I asked why that mattered. And they said that I was a grad student. And I told them that at no point had anyone at Drury ever told me I was a graduate student. Any time I had asked my advisor or the financial aid or whatever office, they would tell me I was a Post-Baccalaureate student. Also, I DID sign up for a grad course for the semester. Drury cancelled it since so few people signed up for it. But there were NO other grad courses I could take to satisfy my requirements.Their response was basically, tough crap. So I had to quit student teaching, when I was like a month and a half away from being finished, so I could get hours back at Domino's so I could pay Drury for the class that I had to quit.

So, now I'm living in a one bedroom apartment, alone, working full time at Domino's and not going to school.

Every single thing that I had been building for my life has collapsed within the course of two months.

Sigh. Pretty pathetic, I know. So, since I lost everything from things I had zero control of, I have decided that the only way I can save myself from the massive amount of depression I feel zeroing in on me is to do something about the one part of my life that maybe I can do something about: my weight.

For any random E-People who read this without knowing who I am, I'm a 5'8, 26 year old man, with a pretty broad build. Even since I was a baby, I was a very broad shouldered kid. So, the weight that I have is distributed to the point that most people have a VERY hard time believing I weigh as much as I do.

I've started a sort of mini diet that consists of essentially not eating fried food and not drinking soda. Yeah, not very extreme changes, but I wanted to start somewhere that I thought I could actually stick to. I've also started P90x. For those of you who don't know, it's a 90 day fitness routine that comes on hour long dvds. Each day of the week is a different workout. They're.... pretty intense. But, I figure, if I stick to the no fried foods or soda, and if I stick to doing my hour of crazy intense workout each day.... I should be able to make SOME progress. At least, enough to get myself in some form of shape so that I can take things a step further.

When I began, I weighed right at 250 lbs. I'm currently down to 245. My first goal is 190. I just want to prove to myself that I CAN be under 200 lbs. I've been over for so long...

So, that's that. I'm monumentally lonely, but before I worry about trying to find the right girl, I want to try to make myself the best version of me that I can. How can I expect to be with a good looking girl if I look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?

Alright, that's enough wallowing in self pity for one night. Wish me luck that I can stick with the positive changes that I'm making, and that I can not dwell on the negative ones. Have a great day/night/week/month/whatever!

Chuck Finale

So, I watched a show called Chuck. I've seen every episode. The series finale was Friday night and I just watched it. Here's a series synopsis.

There's this guy named Chuck. He's pretty much a big loser. Computer geek. No skill with ladies. Very little social ability, etc. One day, he gets an email from an old college buddy, who became a spy, and the email downloads a CIA super computer called the Intersect into his head. The next say, a CIA agent named Sarah Walker and an NSA agent named John Casey show up to "handle" Chuck. In other words, they protect him while the government figures out how to get the Intersect out of his head. And they decide to use him/the Intersect to catch some bad guys along the way.

Through the process, Chuck learns some spy abilities and gains some confidence and eventually falls in love with Sarah. Sarah struggles to determine whether she was just following her cover identity or whether she falls in love with Chuck. In the end, she admits to having feelings for Chuck and they become a spy couple. Eventually they get married and discuss starting a family, etc.

Okay, if you watch the show, or plan to, and haven't yet seen the final two episodes, stop reading. Come back after you have finished.

So, short version of the story, the government gets the Intersect out of his head a while back, after they create a new version that, not only gives the user a crapload of knowledge, but also gives them Matrix like fighting ability. The problem with this new Intersect is it makes you lose your memories. It's like the Intersect controls so much of your brain that it can't hold all of your information as well.

So, in order to stop a dangerous plot of some kind, Sarah ends up putting the Intersect into her head. Then, she gets captured, and the bad guy forces her to use the Intersect over and over again until eventually, all of her memories are gone. She forgets Chuck, she forgets their relationship, she forgets that she's in love with him. It's all gone. Back to who she was when she met him. A cold, calculating spy woman who has no feelings for this random loser guy.

Meanwhile, Chuck is still in love with her. I mean, she's his wife. So he tries various tactics to get her to remember that she loves him, and all of them fail. She then, he tries to make her RE-fall in love with him, and that seems to fail too.

So, picture yourself in that scenario. You're in love with someone. You've had so much time together. All of these memories and stories and events together. Suddenly, they forget that you even exist, and even though they believe that you're telling the truth, that you have this life together, they just... Don't feel it anymore. "Yes, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure we did get married and talk about family and fall in love. But I don't have those feelings anymore. They're gone."

The finale episode of the show consists of Chuck and Sarah trying to find and capture/kill the bad guy who screwed up Sarah's brain. And they travel to a whole lot of places that happen to be familiar to their relationship. Then at the end, there's a like 3 minute clip show of some Chuck and Sarah moments throughout the 5 years of the show.

It really was a beautiful way to end the show. I loved the symbolism back to the first season of the show. It was great. I'm just bummed out that it's over. It was such a great show. I'll probably need to own it at some point. There were a LOT of "I'm Chuck Bartowski" moments that I had while watching the show over the years.

Anyway, that's it. I just wanted to talk about the show and what I thought of it. If you watched the series, or the finale, or whatever, leave me a comment and tell me what you thought. Thanks!

I need a break.

So, I'm student teaching now. And I hate it. It's an assload of work for something that I don't want to do. I don't want to teach high school. But, I'm putting myself through this to get my high school teacher certification, just in case I can't find a job at a college and because I think it'll look better on my resume that I am a qualified teacher and not just some dude.

I have an assload of papers to grade and I have an assload of lessons to write and teach to kids who, for the most part, have no interest in the topic. Sure, I'm gonna have the same issue in a college setting, but I still picture myself being happier there.

On the topic of general happiness... It's no surprise that I've struggled with depression for quite some time now. Probably not deep enough to warrant clinical assistance of any kind, but regardless, I'm almost constantly bummed out about something or another. Sure, I have good days, and a couple of good things will happen here and there, but for the most part, I wake up unhappy, I go through my day faking being happy, I get home unhappy, I spend a few hours with my friends (my only source of happiness) and then I go to bed alone and unhappy.

Like I said, I don't think I need to do anything extreme about how I feel. I don't think I need to talk to someone professional or take medication or anything. I just think sometimes things suck. And, recently, I haven't had much in the realm of people trying to help me be happy. Not pointing fingers or anything, but sometimes, it would be cool if people realized what you were going through and gave a little bit of their time/energy into helping you be happy. I only feel that way because I deliberately give MOST of my time/energy into helping my friends be happy. Like, seriously. Every ounce of my energy that I'm not forced into putting into student teaching or my job, I give to my friends. Somewhere, in my mind, I feel like I deserve the same from the people that I care about. Where are they when I need them?

I'm not saying my friends are crappy. I totally understand how hard it is to go out of your way for people. Think of it like this. Let's say you have a cat, and always feed her, always change her litter, always change her water, take her to the vet when she have ringworm... It's not necessarily in her realm of understanding to see that you may be suffering and might need a little extra purring or snuggling, right? I mean, her whole life, YOU have been doing things for HER. Not the other way around. I can see how it might be tough to break out of that mindset and see that, "oh, just because they have been the provider, doesn't mean that they won't occasionally need to be provided for."

So, that's about it. I'm in a funk. And it will probably last until the end of April when I get finished student teaching. If I last that long. Sheesh.

Roses

So, recently, things hadn't been so peachy with the girlf and I. So, we had a couple of sit down conversations about things that both of us could work on and whether or not, honestly, we wanted to put forth the effort needed to make "us" work or whether we'd rather just say "hey, we gave it a good run" and walk away. And we decided to work on it.

The fruits of that decision are as follows: The best Monday of my entire life. She came to town Sunday night while I was working. We went to Walmart and did some shopping, then picked up my Christmas decorations at my folks' place, came back and decorated till 2 am. Then, Monday, I had to work at 4, so we hung around and just goofed around with each other, laughing and whatnot. Then, after work, we went to my folk's place to watch the Saints beat up on the Giants. And after that, we came back to my apartment. And, the next day, we watched an episode of LOST and she went to work.

Nothing all that monumental happened, but we finally stopped rushing around and going nuts long enough to smell the roses and actually enjoy one another. Conversation, smiles, laughs, cuddles.

This isn't a "Ooh, look at me. I'm happy" post. Not entirely, anyway. It's also to say that, WAY too often, we (meaning I, but probably more than just me) let school/work/obligations interfere with the things that we will actually look back on in 40 years with warmth in our hearts and fond memories in our minds. And, I finally stopped thinking of my life as a work in progress and gave myself one day to enjoy what it would feel like if THIS was the finished product of my life. I smelled the roses and I loved what I smelled.

As a whole, I think people need to do this. I think people need to do their jobs and make ends meet to provide for their families, but I think that people need to also put WAY more focus on that family. On their friends. Because, not to be morbid, but when you're lying on your death bed, how many hours a week you worked, or if you got a Master's degree isn't what you'll be replaying through your head. You'll be thinking of those cherished moments with your guys. Or your gals. Or that special someone. Or your parents. Or kids. Or whatever. THOSE are the moments we need to pay attention to.

If you are capable of putting a roof over your head and food on your table, fantastic. Stop worrying about petty day-to-day crap. Start taking inventory of who matters in your life. The people who love you and the people who try to make you smile. And start realizing that THEY are the focus of your life. THEY are the ones who make it all worthwhile. Otherwise, we become empty shells who work meaningless jobs, totally alone.

Okay, rant almost over. My bottom line is that life is short. And we should take more time out of our busy schedules to enjoy the people who bless us with their attention and their presence. Because those are the people that matter.

Alright, one last blurb about my life. I've never claimed to be Prince Charming or anything like that, but I have claimed that I would do anything I could to treat my girl like a Princess. And it's absolutely mindblowingly amazing that I've found someone who appreciates me and realizes that, while I might not be the perfect handsome prince, I'm a damn good guy.

Alright, had to get that off my chest. It's late, and I have a lot of homework to do before class tomorrow. Hope all is well in internet land.

OH! One last thing. I may be trying my hand at a new nerdly endeavor. I have a friend who thinks he can help me hook up my lappy to my tv so I can record myself playing video games. And then I'd record the game audio with audio from myself, and maybe do like talking walkthroughs of games, or just play throughs where I commentate on what's going on. So that the audience can get reaction shots of me when I die or whatever. Anyway, lots of folks on YouTube do it, and I would love to give it a go. I've been told that my outburts during video games can be quite entertaining, so if I can get the right equipment, I hope that you guys will check them out. I'll post on here when I have something to show for it on my YouTube channel.

I love that I'm talking to "you guys" as if anyone actually reads this blog. Lawl! Alright, I'm outtie 5000.

Ch-ch-changes

So, I have my job at Domino's. I have a new one bedroom apartment. I have a couple of great friends. And I have a girlfriend.

So, shouldn't I be the happiest guy around?

Well, I'm not. I can't really put my finger on why... I love the job. And I love my apartment. It gets lonely from time to time, but nothing as depressing as the summer I moved back in with my parents. My friends are either really great or nonexistent, but typically not because they want to be. Sometimes people get busy, and I get that. And when they do have time, we have great fun.

That leaves the girlfriend. I don't think that's the problem either. Sure, we run into our share of issues, and we've only been dating 3 months, but for the most part, things feel pretty good. I'm confident that she really cares for me and would never deliberately hurt me.

So, there's a twinge of depression and emptiness that I still feel that I can't quite identify right now. But I have a theory..

I haven't let myself just BE. Ever. I've always been a work in progress. I'm always improving something. And for the last two years, that's been my Masters degree. I'm working toward becoming a high school or college teacher. Something related to the field that I enjoyed studying and also something that would theoretically allow me to make enough money to provide for myself and my future family. However...

If I'm totally honest with myself, I'm happy right now. I have a job at Domino's that pays my rent, my utilities, my food costs, and everything else I need to pay. Yeah, I'm not rolling in money, and I wouldn't be able to support, say, a child, but for who I am and the place I'm at, I'm comfortable.

I'm not saying I don't want to move on to bigger and better things later. I'm just saying that the fact that I'm in a state of improvement means that I can't just relax and sit back and enjoy the life I'm living, because I see it all as temporary.

I have friends who are open books. The life that you see them in is the life that they will have for, barring some midlife crisis, the duration. And they are able to enjoy adulthood. They wake up each day and live the lives that they have created for themselves. I can't do that. I wake up each day and feel like "Well, I'm forced to do this other thing because I've put so much time into it, even though I'm perfectly happy and content where I am". It's depressing to think that no matter how happy I am right now, I will HAVE to change things in order to get anything out of all this time and money I've spent (wasted?) for the past 7 years.

Anyway, I think that's why I'm so down in the dumps. And I think I've been taking it out on people who mean the world to me. So, I'm going to try to stop that and be a better man. But I also need to sit and take an inventory of what I really see for my future. Maybe that way, I can get myself back on track.

Anyways, in short term news, this has been the best weekend I've had in quite some time now. Friday, I worked. Saturday, I worked and then got to go see The Blanks, or Ted's a capella group from Scrubs, and meet them and get their CD signed. Today, I worked, and watched some football. My Saints won. My biggest rival in fantasy football lost. and unless Matt Forte scores 23 points tomorrow, I stand a great chance of winning my fantasy football. Which would be incredible, since the guy I'm playing is currently undefeated. Cross your fingers!

Tomorrow, I get to relax till 4, when I go to work. Maybe I'll get off in time to watch the game. If not, it's cool. I like working with these people. It's good times.

Alright. I'm off to read a bit before bed. Peace out!

Shamalamadingdong.

Improvements or How to Get Your Hopes Up

So, some blogs I write and then don't post. Some blogs I write, post, and then move on. Some blogs I write, post, and then post on facebook to try to get other people's opinions. This will probably be either a no post, or a walk away from.

Edit: Ooh! Or Google+! I'll post it there. That way, a smaller portion of people can read it. OR better yet, I'll make a circle of specific people who I'd like to read it. OH MY CRAP I JUST FELL IN LOVE WITH GOOGLE PLUS!

I had a date this week. And it wasn't a nose dive straight into the ground! I met her on an online dating website (lame, I know). I don't know if you know much about online dating in Springfield, MO, but here's how it works. Most of the women on online dating fall into one of three categories: Morbidly obese, clinically insane, or moms.

I'm not shallow by any stretch of the imagination, BUT, I kinda would like to date someone who is less fat than me. Maybe that's rude of me, but I kinda think I'm on the bigger end of the not atrocious spectrum, so if you're a girl and you're bigger than me, you may have some future health issues to worry about.

As for crazy chicks, I've been with a few. But sometimes, it's nice to not have to worry about being stabbed to death or something of that nature. Crazy / hot is different from crazy / ohmygodyoumightkillmeinmysleep.

Moms? I have no problem with. I love kids. I want one! Buuuut, I kinda want one that's actually mine... Don't get me wrong, I'm a HUGE proponent of adoption, because I think abortion is evil and terrible, so I'm not saying that single moms are sinners and evil people and no one should love them. I'm just saying, at this point in my life, it's not for me. So, I tend to shy away from girls with kids.

So anyways, back to my date. I met this girl on an online dating website, and from first glance, I see that she's not overweight, doesn't seem to want to murder all of her exes, and has no kids. So I'm like, hey! I'm game! So we talk for a while, and come to find out she's the daughter of the guy who sits next to me in my Monday night Education class! Whoa! AND, she went to high school with my best friend's wife! WHOA PART DEUX! Small world, am I right?

So anyways, I ask her out on a date, and I drive to Bolivar to pick her up and we go get pizza and see a movie, and things went really well. No hand holding or kissing or anything like that cause, well, I'm apparently really shy when it comes to girls I might want to have a relationship with. And, my previous experiences in courting usually go something like this: Meet girl, spend small amount of time with girl, get pounced on and made out with, begin serious committed relationship. So, rarely have I ever had a real, start from scratch type courting period.

Anyways, so things went well, and I hugged her goodnight, and I drove home, and now I'm all giddy about it. I asked her about date number two, and she's apparently going to let me know when she has another night off..... And, so here I sit, freaking out about when I should text her again, or if I should, or what if she never gets back to me, or yadda yadda yadda. Right? Cause, you know, I'm a teenage boy all over again.

Alright, so on to the other topic I'd like to discuss. Get ready. Are you sitting down? Are you sure? Okay. Here goes.....

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A JOB!!!!!

Let me clarify. I applied at a different Domino's than the one I worked at in 2009, because my assistant manager from that store now works at this new store. And she rocks my world and basically assured me that if I wanted a job, I'd have one. So I applied there and didn't hear anything from anyone from like a month, other than "oh, I think they hired a couple new drivers already". So I had all but given up. Then, today, lo and behold, I get a call from Bill the manager, asking me to come up tomorrow to fill out some paperwork! And I'm like, okay, he didn't tell me I had the job, but why would be want me to fill out paperwork if there wasn't a job, right?

So, if I get this job..... Then I'll make money (duh).... If I make money..... I can get an apartment.....

I'd like to take this time to direct you to some of my posts from Summer of 2010.... I was struggling with being single. Struggling with being unemployed. and Struggling with living with my parents.

It has been one year since that time, and all three of those issues SEEM (knock on wood. knock on it like you've NEVER knocked on wood in your entire life) to be moving in a solved-wardly direction!

Now, the second part of the title of this blog is kicking in. You may or may not know that I'm prone to putting the cart before the horse at times, and then when the rug is pulled out from under me, collapsing in a heap of my own depression. So, once again, I'm trying desperately NOT to be too excited about these things. But it's tough when it has been so long since I've had something to be this excited about.

Anyways, I think that's about enough of my rambling for now. Hope this has been an entertaining read. If not, thanks for wasting your time on me. :) Till next time.