Back to Reality

So, I tricked myself.

I allowed myself to get overly optimistic about something/someone. I knew all along that it was a doubtful situation, but I still let myself think "wow, this actually might happen! this is awesome!" when I had been told all along that in all likelihood it wouldn't.

That's not to say that it's impossible. I just have my doubts back. I'm gonna focus less on "her" and making a "relationship" happen and focus more on "me" and "having fun".

However, all these emotions and "the thrill of the chase" have put my mind and my heart back where they have been for the past few years. Again, I don't need anyone to remind me that what's done is done and that the past is the past and that things that are over are definitely over, but it doesn't hurt to dream, does it?

Sometimes I daydream that one day I can have my old life back. Well, I don't really want ALL of my old life. Just one or two major things. Facebook keeps showing me "photo memories" and it's like man... I'd give almost anything to have that again. Things were flawed, sure, but I had finally found someone who understood who I was. And who, for the most part, actually appreciated me, flaws and all. Got my jokes, or at least laughed at them. And I genuinely understood her. And I appreciated every single inch of her personality, even the bad parts. And I didn't care that sometimes things got raw. I didn't care that sometimes tempers flared or phones were thrown across a room. I STILL felt love. Passion. Reality. I dunno. Again, I know it's never gonna happen. Naive Shannon is dead. But, sometimes I wish I could be dumb enough to hope for it.

I'd rather have that, that flawed, sometimes painful, but REAL thing, rather than this sort of flaccid, lukewarm thing I had been working toward.

So, maybe this is for the best. I'm not gonna say that I don't have any feelings for the girl I've been courting recently. But I am gonna say that it feels like I'm the only one saying sweet nothings, and I just can't handle that. I need a girl who can be sweet and charming right back at me. And I had one, once.

Anyway, no, I'm not uber depressed or anything again. Just looking back on the last few years of my life with fondness and longing.

If you're reading this, odds are, I miss you.