I've got a few minutes before work and I just wanted to throw some of this out there.

I've had a roller coaster last few weeks, alternating between "fine, i'm done, moving onwardly" and "i hate where my life is going, can i please get off the ride now?". But one thing's for sure. She's in my dreams. All of them. She's the only thing my subconscious can think about. Which is weird. I've never had my subconscious so focused on something before.

I'm not saying I'm gonna sit around and whine for all eternity. I'm just saying that most of my sleeping is centered around dreams involving her: being with her, friends talking about her, people telling me what i should do to get her back. I dunno.

Life's taking me somewhere right now. And, no, I'm not going to question God's will, but I'm not sure where I'm headed. I just hope I'm headed back to where I once was.

Meanwhile, work alternates between good and sucky. Money generally rocks, but some of the people who work there kinda get on my nerves. Today we're having a Mock Inspection.. So I guess I have to do everything by the book.. Except that no one exactly trained me, so... lol I'll do the best I can.

Stuff with my friends alternates as well. Last night was fun, though. We played some Munchkin. I dunno when I'll see my friends again, though. I work a lot. Hopefully I can go to Mark's Halloween party. I have the perfect costume idea. Maybe not as awesome as Tony Stark, but still pretty cool.

So, all in all, everything in my life keeps swaying from good to bad and back.. I know I'll survive. I know that THIS is better than how things were a month or so ago.. But, I still think that we could be happy together, if we were ACTUALLY together. I still have hope. I'm just unsure of whether or not she'll grant me that one wish. Just try again.

Remember how much fun we had when we were together? Rock Band, the zoo, hanging with Rachthony.. We could have that again, if you'd just let us.

So, I'm feeling better. I'm in no way 100%, but I do feel like i have made significant progress. I'm comfortable with whatever happens now. Up, down, yes, no. I'm gonna be okay. Which is a very good feeling.

Still kinda weird to think about where I was a month ago versus where I am now.. But, you know, things change.. And if something is meant to happen, then maybe it will. I don't need to push anything. I don't want to.

Anyway, some doors have closed, others have opened, and I'm mostly happy. Which rules.

And now I need to go back to sleep. See ya.

Today is much more difficult than the last few for some reason. Probably because I have the urge to bargain, to beg, to plead, but I refuse to let that urge take over.

I've lost count

So, I thought I was feeling better about things. Then a comment started nagging at the back of my head. And I couldn't figure out why it was bothering me.. So, I thought about it for a while and realized that I was probably right about something.. And now I don't know what to think/feel/do. I hate that this happened. I was so happy for a minute. I felt like "Hey, things are heading toward the right track and they feel good, for the first time in a while." But.. I dunno. I'm like.. fuming. I need to calm down and not be so mad until I find out for sure. Hopefully I can find out tomorrow.. And I dunno. If I'm right about this, I dunno what's going to happen. But, if I bring it up, and I'm wrong, that could be a problem too. But I think it would be better for me to go ahead and do it and know the truth, than to be ignorant. I know that my bringing it up is going to cause problems, but I think it's for the best to go ahead and get it out there.

I can already tell that I'm not going to be able to sleep, considering it's 6 am and I'm wide awake cause i can't get this off my head. I hate being angry. Especially when I don't know whether or not I should be.

We need to talk. And then I promise, I'll leave you alone. I'll put this to rest.

New Chapter: Day Four

Today was better. Even though I hate it and I think this is a really stupid mistake, I'm moving toward acceptance. If she doesn't want to be with me, then that's really all there is to it. Sucks, and it's dumb, but oh well. I'm not done trying, just yet. I still think there's hope for us. I'm still going to try to make her see that, but I don't really think it's going to work. But I'm used to fighting losing battles.

Woke up, hung around, played some Marvel. Ate some lunch. Took a nap. Went to work. Made decent money. Took a $150 delivery to Cox Hospital and they gave me no tip. Then they called ths store like 20 mintes later asking if "That nice man could come back by" because they "just felt awful" that they forgot to tip me. So we finish closing and then Megan and I hung outside and talked about LOST and like everything else on the planet for literally an HOUR. I'm excited, though. When the Season 5 DVD's come out, Megan and I are gonna ask off for like 2 straight days and have a massive LOST Season 5 Sleep-Over! haha! I'm freakin pumped. So anyway, I leave and go to Cox and the sweet girls from the NICU gave me like 16 bucks! So, that was pretty sweet. Ended up making $76 bucks for the night. Can't complain.

Now I'm eating pizza and listening to Boston. I don't work tomorrow, but I do get paid. And then I'm gonna spend the day playin Marvel with the boys, possibly hanging with Marissa, and maybe goin drinkin with Julia and some of her girl friends. Things are ALMOST as good as they could be. All I'm missing is my sweet little thang by my side.

Oh well. I'm not gonna give up. She's the only thing missing from my life. She's what I need to make life complete, and I'm not gonna stop until I make her see that we belong together. Cause we do. That's all there is to it. Done. Finito.

And now T-Pain is on. I'ma buy you a drank.

Okay, and now I'm rambling observations. So I'm gonna go. Have a good night. If i go out and have a few with the girls tomorrow, I may forget to post, or I may post random obscenities. So I apologize for tomorrow in advance, regardless. haha See ya!

New Chapter: Day Three

It's official.

I hate this.

That's basically it.

I hate half wanting to be single and enjoy it.

I hate half wanting to have her back and enjoy it.

I want one or the other.

But I can't just forget about her.

And she doesn't want me back.

So...

This is extremely unpleasant.

I'm going to bed..

New Chapter: Day Two

Woke up early.

Ate Hong Kong with Blake and Tim.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim and Mark for a while.

Talked football with Mark.

Read her blog and started thinking..

Got called in for work at 10:40 in the morning.

Cooked dinner (Cheesy Ranch Burger Hamburger Helper is not very good. Don't try it)

Watched The Colony.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim, Blake, and Jason.

Getting ready for bed.

I feel like I'm being torn.

Half of me is extremely happy. The stress is entirely gone. I smile. I laugh. I play. I don't worry. I don't yell. I don't fight.

Half of me is scared to death.. I don't get to show love. I don't get to show compassion. I don't get to feel that part of myself anymore..

I realize that the point of this was so that she wouldn't hurt me and I wouldn't hurt her, and in a way, this is working.. But, if we are both hurting BECAUSE we aren't together... Aren't we just causing the same problem? Only this way, there's NOTHING we can do to stop it. At least, when we were together, we could have moments of clarity. Moments of happiness. This way, it's like constant sorrow without the ability to do anything about it..

I dunno. Part of me thinks this is a great idea. The other part thinks we're making a huge mistake.

I dunno, if she reads this, but if she does, maybe if we didn't wait as long as I initially planned.. Maybe if we gave it a couple of weeks, or a month/month and a half.. and then tried again, rather than waiting until friggin January or February or whenever. I dunno.

I just.

I know that my life feels less heavy because the stress is gone, but it also feels empty because the woman I want to pledge my life to isn't a part of my life..

Oh well. Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. I work a couple hours in the mornin, and then its Marvel again for a while. Yahoo!