New Chapter: Day Two

Woke up early.

Ate Hong Kong with Blake and Tim.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim and Mark for a while.

Talked football with Mark.

Read her blog and started thinking..

Got called in for work at 10:40 in the morning.

Cooked dinner (Cheesy Ranch Burger Hamburger Helper is not very good. Don't try it)

Watched The Colony.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim, Blake, and Jason.

Getting ready for bed.

I feel like I'm being torn.

Half of me is extremely happy. The stress is entirely gone. I smile. I laugh. I play. I don't worry. I don't yell. I don't fight.

Half of me is scared to death.. I don't get to show love. I don't get to show compassion. I don't get to feel that part of myself anymore..

I realize that the point of this was so that she wouldn't hurt me and I wouldn't hurt her, and in a way, this is working.. But, if we are both hurting BECAUSE we aren't together... Aren't we just causing the same problem? Only this way, there's NOTHING we can do to stop it. At least, when we were together, we could have moments of clarity. Moments of happiness. This way, it's like constant sorrow without the ability to do anything about it..

I dunno. Part of me thinks this is a great idea. The other part thinks we're making a huge mistake.

I dunno, if she reads this, but if she does, maybe if we didn't wait as long as I initially planned.. Maybe if we gave it a couple of weeks, or a month/month and a half.. and then tried again, rather than waiting until friggin January or February or whenever. I dunno.

I just.

I know that my life feels less heavy because the stress is gone, but it also feels empty because the woman I want to pledge my life to isn't a part of my life..

Oh well. Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. I work a couple hours in the mornin, and then its Marvel again for a while. Yahoo!