Video Update

Okay, apparently posting the video to the blog a) puts the audio and video out of sync. and b) downgrades the crap out of the quality. So, if I ever do anymore of these videos, I'll put them on YouTube. I'll give you the link to my YouTube channel later. Go to sleep!

Video Post? Maybe?

Let's see if this works, shall we?

"Today was better" or "Resolution"

Wow. So, I woke up today and thought through all the stuff I needed to get done before class tonight and realized that.... I missed the DSY Conference at Drury last Friday... I paid 35 bucks to go to it and it TOTALLY slipped my mind. Are you KIDDING ME?!? That is NOT me...

So, it would be easy to say that my stupidity over the summer and whatnot has caused me to lose brain cells and now I'm permanently dumber. But, frankly, I don't think that's what's up. Work with me here, cause this may be a little far-fetched.

If you've been in contact with me recently, or if you've been keeping up with my blog, you know that I've been going through a rough patch. Well, I've been extremely depressed and/or emotionally compromised. And I totally feel like kids/people who are so overcome with their problems/inadequacies can easily lose track of their duties or obligations. Look at mothers with postpartum depression who forget to FEED THEIR CHILDREN! I'm not saying that it's an adequate excuse. I'm just saying it happens. I have no one to fault but myself, so don't accuse me of trying to escape blame. I'm totally to blame. But I don't think it's because I'm "stupid" or "retarded" or whatever. I think it's because I'm depressed and my mind has been focusing on how much of a bummer everything is.

So, what does this mean? It means that I need to get my head out of my arse and start getting my life back in order. Duh. But how do you do that? That's the tough part. I think, though, that since I'm finally starting to realize that my emotional craptitude is actually affecting my school career, it might be slightly easier for me to start getting better. The last thing I need here is to fail a class or twelve because "I'm lonely". No. I'm not gonna do that. So, that's going to give me a little more resolve to get things back in place. I don't NEED a girlfriend. I don't NEED anything other than me. Well, and my laptop... And my cell phone... And Halo Reach.. And... several other things. But, seriously, I can be happy just being with myself. I did it for YEARS before I found Leah. I was miserable after Meredith and I's falling out, and i was miserable for a long time, but I had gotten my crap together long before Leah came around. And maybe that's why I found Leah. Because I was better emotionally put-together.

So, that's kinda given me a new focus. I'm not saying it's a light switch. Lord knows it's not. But, I have something to shoot for now. Something that I want. Something important. Maybe that'll help.

Anyway, so after I realized that I had forgotten to go to the Conference and, thus, forgotten to write my paper on it, I freaked, called my teacher, left a message, and basically tried to ask her if there was any other assignment I could do in order to make up for it. I told her I was in no way concerned with the $35 that I'm not out, because to me, not failing this class is worth significantly more than getting my money back for the dang DSY Conference. Anyway, she basically said that she'd work with me and we could figure something out. So I talked to her in class and it turns out that someone actually taped the conference and they're going to put it up on the internet and she's going to give me and the other girl who missed the conference a link to watch it and let us turn in out papers the following week. Well, except for me. If you read the post where I pasted the conversation between me and Andrew, you know that she had me redo that paper from a few weeks ago. So I turned that paper back in on Thursday and she read it and apparently graded it but left it at her house tonight. Anyway, she doesn't want me to write the paper over the DSY Conference until I have a chance to read her comments from the other paper first. So, she's going to give me that paper back next Monday and have me write the DSY Conference paper for the following Monday.

I'm seriously grateful that she's allowing me to do this. I normally HATE the idea of getting special favors, whether it be me or anyone else in class. Everyone should be on an equal playing field, and I'm no exception. But, I gotta say, thank goodness that she's being understanding about this. I mean, everyone makes mistakes. I didn't exactly explain to her my reasoning for missing the conference that I just explained to you all, but the bottom line was: Conference was Friday. I missed it. Period. And she's giving me and the other girl who missed leeway. So, I hereby rescind all of the crappy comments I made about her the other day. She's a very understanding and nice lady. Awful teacher. But, nice gal.

Came home. Watched football. Ate steak and potato. Great conversation with the parents. Overall, good night! And now, I'm talking to you all! And at 2 AM, I'll get on ESPN.com and try to pick up some new fantasy football players based on their performance this week. OH! Finally won this week! I was 0-2 in two of my leagues and 1-1 in the other, and I won all three games this week! So, for those of you playing the home game, that means I'm 1-2 in two leagues and 2-1 in another.

Alright, that about does it for this week. Hey. I only have three followers, and I know two of you read this from time to time, and then I gave the address to another special person the other night, but I've been thinking. I have been going through and watching some YouTube stuff from people and a lot of it is just like... the guy sitting in front of his webcam just talking about things that he finds important or exciting or that piss him off or whatever. I'm kinda considering doing something like that. This new laptop has a webcam on it, so I dunno. Do you think it would be more fun/effective/interesting if my giant floating head spoke these posts, or do you prefer not having to look at me and just reading my inane crazy thoughts? Please respond if you feel like it. Cause I personally think it would be kinda cool. I don't know how to publish videos on here, and I may have to resort to a YouTube channel, but I have one and I wouldn't mind doing that, if people would watch from time to time. Anyway. Think about it. It could be cool. And then maybe later on I could get some like editing software and actually make the videos (or vlogs, as the kids call it) look neat. So yeah! I might try recording something after I post this just to see how it goes.

Anyway, you all have a wonderful night, all 3-4 of you. (Especially you.. Yeah, you know who I'm talking to..) I'll catch you on the flip side!

New Shannon

Blarg

So, I was gonna make a post yesterday, but never got around to it. Today i'm in a totally different mindset than I was when I wanted to make the post, so here's what I'ma gonna do. I'm gonna attempt to write what I was feeling yesterday while pretending that I still feel that way. Then, I'm gonna write how I'm feeling today. This will be interesting. Ready? Go.

Part 1

I'm starting to really enjoy this whole "being single" business. It's really nice to be able to go where I want, with who I want to go with, and do whatever I feel like doing, without being restricted. I'm not saying I want it to stay like this forever, but I'm saying that finally, after a year of it, I'm enjoying it. Without going into too much detail, I had a... very interesting Friday night. One that would have been impossible had I had a girlfriend. And when I woke up and drove home the following morning, I kept thinking about how nice it was that I could just... go. be. do whatever. Not have to worry about where the night takes me. Just flow. It was really nice! In more ways than one, obviously.

Part 2

I don't really know if I would have had more to say on that first subject if I'd actually written the thing on Saturday. But today, I feel slightly different. I feel empty. Lonely. Part of this is due to the people I hang around. All of them have significant others. Literally. All of them. They all have someone to go home to. Someone to go out with. Many of them are moving forward in their relationships in different ways. Some of them are just blooming. And here I am. Sure, I have some "prospects" if you choose to call them that, but the fact of the matter is right now, I want to look a girl in her beautiful eyes, smile down at her and say "I love you." And I want to mean it. I want to feel it when she wraps her arms around my neck and says it back. And I can't have that right now. I can't just flip a switch and poof! Girl of my dreams falls into my lap. No amount of fun nights/weekends with random chicks will cause that to just magically happen. I need something real. Something substantial. Something that can last.

Then again, who would have thought my last relationship would have gone for 2 years? It started off as me complementing this hot girl on MySpace/Facebook who had previously flirted with me like once. That turned into a bunch of phone conversations. That turned into a New Years Eve visit. Which turned into something extraordinary. I never expected any of it to happen. I was happy when she kissed me, don't get me wrong. But I honestly didn't figure it would be anything more than a little weekend fling. Boy, was my crystal ball cloudy that day.

So, based on that logic, any of these little random flings could develop into something special.. But I just don't see how. When it happened before, it was like the perfect storm of scenarios. We were both in the EXACT right place for something to happen. And they say lightning won't strike the same place twice. Which is why I'm skeptical,

So, yeah. That's pretty much all I have to say. Today wasn't a bad day. Just a blah, bummer, reality check day. It's been a whole year, and I've only met a handful of people who I feel I could really have something special with. And none (to my knowledge) of them want anything more with me than either a cuddle buddy, or friend with benefits, or just friends. I know, I know. Take my own advice. Just cool it. Just relax, enjoy learning about yourself, don't worry about it. It'll happen eventually. But eventually does NOT help me right now. Right now, when all I want in this whole world is to give my heart to someone who will appreciate it for what it is. Who will treat it with care, and who will smile at me when I hold the door open for her.

Sigh.

In other news, go see Easy A. It's a really funny movie.

New Shannon

:( My poor baby.

So, I took my baby to the vet today. I noticed a weird sore looking thing on her ear yesterday and I had no idea what it was, so, naturally, i freaked out. And the vet my parents use had no openings today, so I decided to ask Rachthony which vet they use and I made an appointment. Gabrielle has been to a vet maybe once in her life, which in my opinion is about 5 to 10 times two few for a 4 year old cat.

So, she got weighed, 11 pounds, which is actually pretty good. And her temp was like 110, which is normal. And the vet checked her breathing and heart and muscles and organs and whatnot, and everything was good. She got her Rabies and Distemper shots, and she's getting tested for ringworm, which is what the vet thought the sore on her ear was. And he gave me some medicine to put on the ear to treat ringworm, if it turns out that it is, in fact, ringworm. He also recommended Frontline or Capstar for her fleas. I'm leaning toward Capstar, since I am wary of putting pesticides directly on her fur. I've seen pics on the interwebs of cats with large bald spots on their backs from those type of liquid flea meds. And, you know me, I'm a HUGE worry wart. So, I'd rather do Capstar, which is a pill.

So, bottom line, I spent $110 bucks on a vet visit for my cat, all of which would have been totally unnecessarily if MY DANG DAD WOULD STEP LETTING THE DANG CATS GO IN THE DANG BACKYARD!!!!!! So, as far as I'm concerned, dear old Dad owes me a hundred bucks. But.... Seeing as how he, I dunno, raised me and paid for almost every meal I've ever eaten, I suppose I'll let it slide...

Other than that, today has been spent watching YouTube crap. I'm not kiddin ya. I almost don't need a tv anymore. It if weren't for vidya games, I'd seriously sell the dang thing.

I've never gotten all serious about blogging before, but if ya want, I can post some pics of the kitty kitty. If I can figure it out. Okay, here I go.

Yay! I think I did it! So, that's mah girl. And once we get her ear taken care of, she'll be right as rain. Hm, Now that I've learned how to put pics on here, my blogs will probably get MUCH more annoying. Alright, that's all for now. I may be going to BDubs with Jason, Jason, and Tim Roark in like a half hour.

Till next time, remember to get your pets spayed or neutered.

New Shannon

Transitions

Waiting for the end to come / wishing I had strength to stand

This was not what I had planned

It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light / thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I want to do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room / Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn't so

What was left when that fire was gone

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out what it's like moving on

And I don't even know what kind of things I said

My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead so

Picking up the pieces now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is starting again

Thanks again, Linkin Park.

Every time you come out with a new record, there's at least one song if not more that totally fits with what's going on in my life at the time.

Right now, I'm teetering on this transition between Old and New, and the end of one thing and the possible start of another.

So, I don't wanna get my hopes up too badly, but.......

I've met someone.

No clue if anything'll come from it yet. Way too soon to tell. But, regardless of it anything comes from it or not, she and I are definitely gonna become good friends. She's extremely sweet, and we seem to have a lot in common.

You know that depression I was talking about from breakup/no job/moving back in with my folks/no friends? Well, turns out she has been going through the EXACT same thing. I'm not saying that means we're soulmates or anything, but who better to talk to about it than someone who knows what I went through?

What else? Well, she's a tiny little blonde girl. 2 years older than me. Gorgeous. AND she thinks I'm good looking!!! What?!? Yeah, I know! She even likes the hair!! She said "yeah, you could even grow it out longer if you wanted. I like it!"

I'm having a really hard time not getting my hopes up about it, though. The last thing I want to do is get all excited about this girl and then it not work out. That would devastate me, and considering my current state of mind, that would not be a good thing. So I'm trying to not get too optimistic about it.

Why? Why not just jump for joy? Well, she told me she's also transitioning. Trying to figure out what to do with her life. So, she doesn't want to be in any sort of serious relationship while she's trying to get her own crap together. Which I get. I totally understand that. I am just recently ready to start something, so I know how it feels to just not be there yet. So, I understand, but it's still a bummer. But, here's the upside.

She told me she wants to get to meet my friends and she also wants to introduce me to her friends. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't go out of my way to meet the friends of someone that I wasn't really interested in, you know? And I also wouldn't go out of my way to get my friends to meet them. So it's like she's saying she doesn't want anything to happen, but she's acting somewhat differently. Which could mean she is just an extremely social person, or it could mean that she's interested in me and doesn't know how to handle the whole "transition period, should i date or not" thing.

So, I dunno. I'm trying to keep grounded, but inside I'm like leaping up and down frantically. I need to cool it. Like I said, if I'm all excited about things, and then they don't work, it could be bad news bears.

So, anywho. Not gonna see her again till Tuesday, which ought to be plenty of time for me to get the adrenaline of "possible new girl" out of my system.

I'll update later on.

Till next time.

New Shannon

You know, some times, I surprise myself.

I'm beginning to like New Shannon more and more.

I used to think Old Shannon was a hyper-rational guy. He thought things through and tried to make the best choices, but I'm kind of learning that maybe that's easier than he was making it out to be.

Today, New Shannon encountered something he didn't think he would, at least for a long time, and I think he reacted pretty well to it. And it didn't take a lot of effort, really. Just sort of flowed out. There was some initial shock and "oh wow, what should i do?" but that quickly dissipated and I was left with a feeling of "You know, this is okay. This is good. This is what I want."

I think I used to be "rational" but at the expense of being WAY more uptight than I realized that I was. New Shannon is a lot more laid back and relaxed than Old Shannon.

This new guy has some pretty good qualities. I'm excited to learn more about them.

Thank you. ;)

You know what grinds my gears?

Me

You know what grinds my gears?

2:49pmAndrew

people parking on driveways and driving on parkways?

2:50pmMe

And the fact that you can get a pizza delivered to your house faster than you can get an ambulance.

But, no.

Bitch teachers who expect you to be telepathic.

2:50pmAndrew

thats always a problem...

2:51pmMe

If you ever have the opportunity to take a class taught by Jayne White, DO NOT do it.

2:51pmAndrew

perhaps there should be a psychic power major in schools...

2:51pmMe

She's an education teacher but she also does Global Awareness and some other crap.

2:51pmAndrew

I almost did once actually... dropped in the first two days!

2:52pmMe

She gave us a short 2 page article to ready and told us to write a Discribe, Analyze, Reflect paper on it. Describe the article, Analyze it in regard to two other articles that you find on your own, and Reflect on how you would use this information in your career as a teacher.

So i did that. In a page and a half.

I figure, 2 page article, my DAR is 1.5. Good deal.

I did make 1 mistake. The scoring guide asks for a title page, and I didn't see that.

Bitch gives me a 9 out of 25.

Problem 1, Title page. I get that. My bad. Problem 2? She wanted it to be 2-3 pages in length.

Well, it would have been nice for her to tell us that.

I write succinctly. I don't need 3 pages to describe analyze and reflect on a 2 page article.

2:55pmAndrew

not even half credit huh? man that blows hard!

2:55pmMe

Problem 3, the articles that I picked to analyze with it were 50 pages and 25 pages, and I summed them up in a sentence or two, and that royally pissed her off. "That's less than one word per page".

Well, excuse me, bitch. I didn't realize you wanted me to do a full on literature review and write a book report on this shit. Had you told me that (or had the damn thing be worth more than 25 points) of course I would have.

2:56pmAndrew

want a hit put out on her?

2:56pmMe

So, on top of all that, bitch wants me to RE-DO it and turn it back in to her by Thursday.

I suppose I should be glad that I have an opportunity to get a few of those points back.

But fact of the matter is, I deserved those points from the damn paper that I already turned in!!!!

2:57pmAndrew

indeed!

2:57pmMe

Ugh. So, now I'm all pissed. I couldn't even enjoy the Saints win last night.

So, now I've cranked out a title page and I've made the few stupid ass word choice changes she wanted me to make. So now, I guess I'll just add some like... fluffy adjectives and shit to bulk it up to 3 pages.

2:59pmAndrew

I wish you luck on taming the bitch. lol

Reflecting

So, no one reads this. Which is fine. Cause I don't need anyone to. I need this for me.

This has been a very difficult year. I'm not gonna say "the worst in my life," because I will need some time to reflect on it and make that determination later. The year before Meredith started dating Ryan was extremely difficult. I don't know how this one matches up just yet. But, it's been really tough. I have become a different person entirely, and I'm really not sure if I like the New Shannon yet. I thought I did. In fact, I was sure of it. But, reflecting now, I don't know. I really liked the Old Shannon. He was a pretty cool guy. Very sweet. Very naive. Extremely. He had rose-colored glasses. He saw the good in everything and every one. But, it's safe to say that he's dead. As in, I will NEVER be that Shannon again. Which is kinda sad in a way. But it also means that I HAVE to learn to love the New Shannon. This New Shannon is extremely cynical. He's angry. At specific people, at no one, at the world, at the idea of optimism.. That's not to say that I'm miserable. I'm not, anymore. I was. Here's that story..

In June of 2009, I moved into the apartment with Tim. Great decision. Leah kind of pushed me toward that, and I am eternally grateful for her. I would NEVER have left the comfort and safety of the nest if it hadn't been for her being there to tell me that I could do it. But, about 4 months into living in the apartment, she and I split up. It was rough. And by rough, I mean "I'm fairly sure I kept my upstairs neighbors awake crying hard into my pillow for months." rough. But, I had an EXCELLENT support network. Many of the people involved were people I barely knew. Marissa was SO helpful. I mean, but at the same time I never will be able to get over the fact that if I had never met Marissa, I would never have had the courage to break up with Leah. So, part of me really hates Marissa for that. But another part of me is thankful. Which is really unfair to Marissa, because every time I talk to her, she has no way of knowing which Shannon is going to be there. But, regardless, at the time, she was there. Also, Heather from Domino's was essential. I needed a place to point the love in my heart that I could no longer give to Leah. I'm not saying I was in love with Heather. I wasn't. But I had something to... yearn for. Finally, Kristina was there. Sort of. Sure, she lives in Oregon and goes to school in Idaho and we've never actually met, but she was there to talk to about Leah and it really helped. So, long story short, I had people there to fall back on, as opposed to when Meredith and I split, where I had no one. So, I survived. I started to move on. Then Leah moved to Branson. That made things difficult. It wasn't her fault, though. We were both trying to figure out what we wanted. Neither of us knew for sure. Ultimately, we don't talk anymore, which is a huge bummer because she's a great person. I'll always miss her. Anyways, it complicated my already complicated life. But that's okay. Again, support network.

So, I started hanging out with people again around March-ish, partly because I was back in school and partly because I had some non-school friends. But, I ended up getting caught up in something. I don't necessarily regret any of it. But, regardless, it happened, and it was dangerous, and I'm glad it's gone now. But, it slowly started consuming me, even though I was SURE that it wouldn't. It was like the black suit from Spider-Man. It felt good, but ultimately it was corrupting who I was. This, in combination with the heartbreak from Leah and the next part of the story is what eventually killed Old Shannon.

So, in May, I moved out of the apartment. My lease was up, and I wasn't working, due to grad school, so I moved back into the parents' house. I figured it would kinda suck but that I loved my folks so no big deal, right? Wrong. They did everything that they could to make me okay with the situation, but the seeds of depression were already planted. The fact of the matter was I had gone from 1) being in a happy relationship that I fully intended to see through to marriage and beyond. 2) having a somewhat lucrative job. 3) having a bunch of great friends and 4) living on my own to 1) being mind-blowingly single 2) being jobless 3) having absolutely no one to talk to and 4) living in my mom's basement again. I had taken my little car in the game of Life, removed the pink companion peg and moved it backwards 7 years. I was in the same exact position that I had been in when I was a sophomore in high school. THAT is depressing. Imagine climbing Mount Everest for 7 years, and then looking down and seeing that you've actually gone BACKWARDS! That was also heartbreaking.

So, let's recap. A) I had gotten involved in something extremely dangerous and destructive that I actually enjoyed. B) I was depressed from the loss of who I considered The One. C) I was depressed from the idea of returning back to "You're a bum who lives in your mom's basement with no friends and no girl" status. I quickly became attached to the destructive behavior. Why? Who knows. But it was probably half "It makes me forget all my problems for a while" and half "It's bad for me, and I hate myself".

So, naive, happy-go-lucky Shannon died over the three months of summer. What emerged was this man. This cynical, doubting, unhappy, jagged person. I'm no longer attached to what I had become attached to, which is for the best, but the change has already been made. And I'm no longer naive enough to think that I can change back. That's not possible. The rose-colored glasses are broken. But that's okay, I think. I don't hate who I am anymore, and I think it's because I've come to terms with it. I enjoy that destructive behavior, but I realize that moderation is the key. I've lost Leah forever, but I realize that she may have been The One for Old Shannon, but there's someone else out there for New Shannon. And I'm gonna find her some day. I live in my mom's basement, but I realize that I'm in grad school and that once I finish, I'm going to get a job teaching somewhere and get outta here. It's a pit-stop. It's not the end of the race.

I would still say I'm cynical and doubting, though. I keep entering into these relationships with these girls, and then I find some little nit-picky thing to dislike, and I sabotage it. Or I just become a direct asshole and make her hate me. I've done that... twice over the past few months. And I will probably be doing it again soon. That's the one thing I can't really figure out. I'm not sure why I keep doing this. I mean, with the first one, I know why. With the second one and with the one that may or may not happen shortly, I don't really get it. Why am I pushing them away? Do I subconsciously think they're not good enough and so I'm ending things before they get too complicated? Or am I just a shallow douche who isn't content with settling down? I'm not entirely sure. I'm sure I'll figure it out as time goes on, but it's not necessarily fair to the people involved. Which adds to the dislike of myself. But, the fact that I'm capable of getting these girls to become interested in me is countering that dislike. At least mostly.

With this current one, she's great. She's a sweet girl, and we have very similar senses of humor. She seems to genuinely care for me. She hurt my feelings today and when I called her on it, she legitimately wanted to make things right. She got upset and the fact that she hurt me. Really? I haven't felt that since... late 2007-early 2009. That's kind of incredible. But, for some reason, I can feel the urge to screw it up welling up inside me. Even tonight, when I was over there, the whole time, in my head I was thinking "I wonder how long I'm going to let this go on before I come up with some reason to end it." Who does that? I'll tell you. New Shannon. Why? Don't bother asking him. He has no clue.

We watched The Machinist tonight. Man, that's an excellent movie.

That's about all the reflecting I wanted to do tonight. I should get some sleep. I've been up till like 6 or later the past 3 or 4 nights. So yeah, time for sleep. I may get more in the habit of doing this blog thing, depending on whether or not I need to crank out some more of my inner crap. This was definitely helpful tonight. It didn't answer anything, but it allowed me to say some of the words that had been forming in the cloudy murky mess that is my mind. So I may empty more of my thoughts here later. Till then, stay classy Interwebs.

New Shannon