Friday December 18, 2009

Woke up at like.. 4:30 or 5:00 AM. Couldn't go back to sleep. Got up. Played some games on Kongregate.

Plan for the rest of the day:

Take a shower and get dressed.

Go Christmas shopping for friends and family. Yes, I haven't done it yet. No, I'm not retarded. Yes, I've been busy as crap. Step off.

Grocery shop for Chili makings. Yes, I'm going to try my hand at actual cooking today. Who knows? Maybe it'll be awesome!

After my shopping is done, I'll come back here and cook.

Some time this evening, I believe Heather is coming over to watch movies. And perhaps taste test my chili.

And this shall be my day. I'm excited. I'm actually going to DO something rather than just sit around on my arse.

OH! Fantasy Football Update!!!

I'm in the playoffs. Only four teams (out of ten) made it this far. The playoffs take two weeks, and your combined score at the end of two weeks must be higher than your opponent's. So, last week, none of my people friggin showed up. I got 65 points out of all 9 of my players. However, most of Alec's people didn't show up either. He got 76. So he wasn't beating me too badly. So this week, I agonized for hours over who to play, who to bench, who to drop, who to pick up.. And I finally decided to go ahead and play Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne, even though the Colts have clenched homefield advantage for the playoffs. A lot of people figured that they'd pull Peyton and Reggie out of the game early, to preserve them for the actually NFL Playoffs. Well, I figured there was a chance, but I decided to take it. So, I watched the game at B Dubs with Tim, and agonized the whole time. Alec has Maurice Jones-Drew, who was going mostly crazy. Two touchdowns and a crapton of yards. Peyton wasn't doing back, but Reggie was like no where to be found. Then, all of the sudden, in the fourth quarter, Peyton throws a monster pass to Reggie Wayne who takes off and runs it in for like a 65 yard touchdown! Saved my friggin day. So, after it was all over, Peyton scored me 39 points, Reggie Wayne scored me 30, and MJD scored Alec 35. So, I'm in no way secured to win, but if this hadn't happened, I probably would be secured to lose. So, phew! What a game!

If I beat Alec, and if Tim beats Jackie, Tim and I will be in the Super Bowl against each other. The apartment will be tense those two weeks if it works out this way.

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm gonna go get ready to shop, and then shop my little heiny off.

2009

Note: This will not be just be whining about how much this year sucked. Granted, I'm writing this warning before I write the actual blog, but I have a feeling that I'll meander around to a point eventually.. Sometimes I do that.. No promises, though.

So, 2009's almost over. It's safe to say this this year was the absolute worst year of my entire life. Yes, that's true. Worse than all four years of The Meredith Saga. Worse than my freshman and sophomore years of high school. Worse than the year that I was uprooted from all of my friends and family in Gulfport and forced to move to Springfield. This year takes the cake.

I'm gonna try and do this chronologically. No, I'm not trying to get you to pity me. I just feel like taking a moment to take stock of this year, so I can see whether or not I learned from each of these.. mishaps..

Started off mostly bad. I was continuing my Masters at MSU with teachers that didn't like me and peers who thought they were better than me. Muddled through it and eventually decided to leave the program.

More bad as my anxiety increased, due to my impending move into the apartment.

Struggle to find a job. Failure repeatedly.

Roommate issues. No, we never fought. Nothing that bad. Just normal "first roommate" stuff that everyone goes through when they first live with someone who isn't their parents. At times, I wondered if he and I could ever reconcile the HUGE inequities that I'd built up in my head.

Then, of course, the powder keg that had become (what in my opinion was) the relationship that should have been the one permanent thing in my life finally exploded. Combination of my bad and her bad, but the bottom line was that the thing I cherished most in this world was ripped away from me, like a bandaid, but one where it doesn't completely come off the first time you pull. It takes MANY yanks. So imagine a bandaid and duct tape have a baby. And then you have to rip that off of you. Not pleasant. I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

I could write way more about that one (seeing as how.. um.. I have..) so I'll move on. Finally got a job. My boss is probably in the top 3 of worst bosses I've ever had. Constant tedium.

And, finally, someone in my family has been steadily declining, as far as health is concerned. Nothing major has happened, yet (knock on wood) but things aren't looking promising..

What did I learn from each of them. Well, let's go in order..

With the MSU thing, I learned that my life wasn't as planned out as I wanted it to be. This was good and bad. Not having choices makes life easier, but it doesn't make it as fun. I had the opportunity to totally revamp what I wanted to do and where I saw myself. I actually took control of my future instead of blindly walking some path that I created for myself in high school.

The move was a good thing. I actually appreciate spending time with my folks. And I think living on my own has shown me that, yes, I can in fact be self sufficient. I can life, day to day, and not just randomly die or set myself on fire. This is a plus.

The job failures gave me the opportunity to learn perseverance. I fell off the horse and got back on again. And again.. And again.

My roommate and I got better. Turns out, I was making mountains out of molehills, and now that I've realized that and lightened up a LOT, things are fine. Wish I saw the guy more often, but oh well. We're both busy.

I have no earthly idea what I was supposed to learn from the ex-girlfriend situation, so I'm going to skip it.

The current job.. Well, it gave me the chance to become much better friends with my friend Megan. I'm so happy about that. AND I had the opportunity to meet some awesome new guys and girls, and I'm hoping that my relationships with them will continue to grow and that I'll see more of them (well.. A few of them..), even though I'm quitting. Oh, which, yeah, that's what I decided to do. It's not ENTIRELY because of my boss. Yes he was a huge factor, but I'm going back to school in the Spring and there's really no way I could do school and this job simultaneously. I'll have day and night classes, so, yeah. That's that.

And family health stuff. Not gonna go into huge detail. Suffice it to say that there are treatment options, but these treatments usually make the patient feel worse than the actual ailment. So, we dunno what's going to happen, but it's making me learn how to cherish every minute that I get with my family.

So, yeah. Pretty terrible year, but I suppose there are silver linings to most things; you just have to look for them.

Regardless, 2008 was probably the best year of my life. Let's hope 2010 is more like 2008 than 2009..

Wrote a big long blog to try and figure some crap out. And I think it served it's purpose. It's in my drafts. I'm not going to post it, cause I don't know if it would be appropriate. If anyone happens to be interested in the inner monologue of a crazy person, let me know. I'll trim it down and send it your way. But I don't plan on making it public.... Even though I don't really think it's offensive. It's basically me going on and on about "what do i really want?" and "what am I going to do?"

But, the overall decision I made is that I'm just going to lay back and let God take me where He wants to. And over the past few days He has been bringing me somewhere, I can feel it. I have no real clue where, but I'm up for an adventure.

So, that's what's up. I'll probably write a more in depth "Shannon's Life" blog in a couple days. Meanwhile, I'm actually.. content with my life.. For the most part. (Check with me tomorrow. I may change my mind. lol)

Sookie Stackhouse said it best.

When people love each other and then suddenly one of them isn't there anymore, it's the distance that hurts, and the distance is the same no matter who's doing the leaving.

I'm... a bigger idiot...

I need a cave to live in.

I'm an idiot.

Good gravy.

Just when I think things couldn't possibly get more complicated, what do I do?

I add like five more complications on top of everything else.

Oh, Shannon.. When will you learn that the best choice, many times, is to not stick your head out of your shell.

Maybe turtles DO have it all figured out..

Oh well, I feel like everything'll work itself out somehow. And eventually, I'll be happy with it.

Can I be Donatello?

Our Greatest Hits

Meeting you for the second time at Rachel's recital. Where you told me that guys with beards were your weakness.

Your visit to Springfield for New Years.

My first drive to Chicago and the subsequent visit. You showed me around downtown in the freezing snowy wind.

Our ATM adventure, after Definitely Maybe, when my car was in the parking garage and neither of us had cash to get it out.

The St. Louis Zoo.

NOT my Greyhound bus ride to Chicago, but the subsequent road trip back to Springfield.

Our TGI Friday's adventure, driving all over St. Louis, listening to The Police, just cause we were both too stubborn to say "okay fine, let's eat somewhere else."

Our drive up to Peoria, IL, listening to and singing songs the whole way.

Shakespeare in the Park.

Playing Whoonu with Rachthony, Mark, and Betty. "Bookstores?!!"

Rachthony's wedding.

And my personal favorite: Sitting in your grandma-style house in Wentzville, eating macaroni and cheese and watching hours of Game Show Network.

I've got a few minutes before work and I just wanted to throw some of this out there.

I've had a roller coaster last few weeks, alternating between "fine, i'm done, moving onwardly" and "i hate where my life is going, can i please get off the ride now?". But one thing's for sure. She's in my dreams. All of them. She's the only thing my subconscious can think about. Which is weird. I've never had my subconscious so focused on something before.

I'm not saying I'm gonna sit around and whine for all eternity. I'm just saying that most of my sleeping is centered around dreams involving her: being with her, friends talking about her, people telling me what i should do to get her back. I dunno.

Life's taking me somewhere right now. And, no, I'm not going to question God's will, but I'm not sure where I'm headed. I just hope I'm headed back to where I once was.

Meanwhile, work alternates between good and sucky. Money generally rocks, but some of the people who work there kinda get on my nerves. Today we're having a Mock Inspection.. So I guess I have to do everything by the book.. Except that no one exactly trained me, so... lol I'll do the best I can.

Stuff with my friends alternates as well. Last night was fun, though. We played some Munchkin. I dunno when I'll see my friends again, though. I work a lot. Hopefully I can go to Mark's Halloween party. I have the perfect costume idea. Maybe not as awesome as Tony Stark, but still pretty cool.

So, all in all, everything in my life keeps swaying from good to bad and back.. I know I'll survive. I know that THIS is better than how things were a month or so ago.. But, I still think that we could be happy together, if we were ACTUALLY together. I still have hope. I'm just unsure of whether or not she'll grant me that one wish. Just try again.

Remember how much fun we had when we were together? Rock Band, the zoo, hanging with Rachthony.. We could have that again, if you'd just let us.

So, I'm feeling better. I'm in no way 100%, but I do feel like i have made significant progress. I'm comfortable with whatever happens now. Up, down, yes, no. I'm gonna be okay. Which is a very good feeling.

Still kinda weird to think about where I was a month ago versus where I am now.. But, you know, things change.. And if something is meant to happen, then maybe it will. I don't need to push anything. I don't want to.

Anyway, some doors have closed, others have opened, and I'm mostly happy. Which rules.

And now I need to go back to sleep. See ya.

Today is much more difficult than the last few for some reason. Probably because I have the urge to bargain, to beg, to plead, but I refuse to let that urge take over.

I've lost count

So, I thought I was feeling better about things. Then a comment started nagging at the back of my head. And I couldn't figure out why it was bothering me.. So, I thought about it for a while and realized that I was probably right about something.. And now I don't know what to think/feel/do. I hate that this happened. I was so happy for a minute. I felt like "Hey, things are heading toward the right track and they feel good, for the first time in a while." But.. I dunno. I'm like.. fuming. I need to calm down and not be so mad until I find out for sure. Hopefully I can find out tomorrow.. And I dunno. If I'm right about this, I dunno what's going to happen. But, if I bring it up, and I'm wrong, that could be a problem too. But I think it would be better for me to go ahead and do it and know the truth, than to be ignorant. I know that my bringing it up is going to cause problems, but I think it's for the best to go ahead and get it out there.

I can already tell that I'm not going to be able to sleep, considering it's 6 am and I'm wide awake cause i can't get this off my head. I hate being angry. Especially when I don't know whether or not I should be.

We need to talk. And then I promise, I'll leave you alone. I'll put this to rest.

New Chapter: Day Four

Today was better. Even though I hate it and I think this is a really stupid mistake, I'm moving toward acceptance. If she doesn't want to be with me, then that's really all there is to it. Sucks, and it's dumb, but oh well. I'm not done trying, just yet. I still think there's hope for us. I'm still going to try to make her see that, but I don't really think it's going to work. But I'm used to fighting losing battles.

Woke up, hung around, played some Marvel. Ate some lunch. Took a nap. Went to work. Made decent money. Took a $150 delivery to Cox Hospital and they gave me no tip. Then they called ths store like 20 mintes later asking if "That nice man could come back by" because they "just felt awful" that they forgot to tip me. So we finish closing and then Megan and I hung outside and talked about LOST and like everything else on the planet for literally an HOUR. I'm excited, though. When the Season 5 DVD's come out, Megan and I are gonna ask off for like 2 straight days and have a massive LOST Season 5 Sleep-Over! haha! I'm freakin pumped. So anyway, I leave and go to Cox and the sweet girls from the NICU gave me like 16 bucks! So, that was pretty sweet. Ended up making $76 bucks for the night. Can't complain.

Now I'm eating pizza and listening to Boston. I don't work tomorrow, but I do get paid. And then I'm gonna spend the day playin Marvel with the boys, possibly hanging with Marissa, and maybe goin drinkin with Julia and some of her girl friends. Things are ALMOST as good as they could be. All I'm missing is my sweet little thang by my side.

Oh well. I'm not gonna give up. She's the only thing missing from my life. She's what I need to make life complete, and I'm not gonna stop until I make her see that we belong together. Cause we do. That's all there is to it. Done. Finito.

And now T-Pain is on. I'ma buy you a drank.

Okay, and now I'm rambling observations. So I'm gonna go. Have a good night. If i go out and have a few with the girls tomorrow, I may forget to post, or I may post random obscenities. So I apologize for tomorrow in advance, regardless. haha See ya!

New Chapter: Day Three

It's official.

I hate this.

That's basically it.

I hate half wanting to be single and enjoy it.

I hate half wanting to have her back and enjoy it.

I want one or the other.

But I can't just forget about her.

And she doesn't want me back.

So...

This is extremely unpleasant.

I'm going to bed..

New Chapter: Day Two

Woke up early.

Ate Hong Kong with Blake and Tim.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim and Mark for a while.

Talked football with Mark.

Read her blog and started thinking..

Got called in for work at 10:40 in the morning.

Cooked dinner (Cheesy Ranch Burger Hamburger Helper is not very good. Don't try it)

Watched The Colony.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim, Blake, and Jason.

Getting ready for bed.

I feel like I'm being torn.

Half of me is extremely happy. The stress is entirely gone. I smile. I laugh. I play. I don't worry. I don't yell. I don't fight.

Half of me is scared to death.. I don't get to show love. I don't get to show compassion. I don't get to feel that part of myself anymore..

I realize that the point of this was so that she wouldn't hurt me and I wouldn't hurt her, and in a way, this is working.. But, if we are both hurting BECAUSE we aren't together... Aren't we just causing the same problem? Only this way, there's NOTHING we can do to stop it. At least, when we were together, we could have moments of clarity. Moments of happiness. This way, it's like constant sorrow without the ability to do anything about it..

I dunno. Part of me thinks this is a great idea. The other part thinks we're making a huge mistake.

I dunno, if she reads this, but if she does, maybe if we didn't wait as long as I initially planned.. Maybe if we gave it a couple of weeks, or a month/month and a half.. and then tried again, rather than waiting until friggin January or February or whenever. I dunno.

I just.

I know that my life feels less heavy because the stress is gone, but it also feels empty because the woman I want to pledge my life to isn't a part of my life..

Oh well. Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. I work a couple hours in the mornin, and then its Marvel again for a while. Yahoo!

New Chapter: Day One

Today was the first day of the next chapter of my life.

It went mostly okay. I woke up and finished reading Angels and Demons. Loved it! I kinda wanna see the movie, even though I'm not a big "Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon" fan. Oh well. Anyway.. Finished the book. Hung out with the roomie for a bit. Then got ready for work.

Before I got in the shower, I read her blog. It caught me off guard. I guess I didn't expect her to feel that way. I couldn't help but cry. I let myself go for a few seconds, and then decided to go ahead and get in the shower.

Went to Wal-Mart to pick up my Nasonex refill. That took FOREVER! (Momentary Rant) I hate store clerks who strike up random ass conversations with the people they are helping when they can see they have a HUGE EFFING LINE of customers who need to be helped. (Rant over) Went to work, which was mostly okay. I had to close, and the two people I closed with are both kinda asses toward me, but I made the best of it.

When I was working tonight, it was hard to imagine that I was still working after the breakup. I mean, I don't know what I expected, but the fact that necessity forced me to continue living was kind of interesting to me. I didn't just spontaneously shrivel up and die. Which is nice.

Got home from work at like 2 am. Hung with the roomie for a while, and here I am. Tomorrow I'm off work (Hallelujah!) and it looks like me, the roomie, and a bud are going to play Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2. Sounds fun. Oh! And The Colonly comes on tomorrow night. YES!

Fantasy Football Update: I lost my first game by 1 point... 1 point. If I'd played Nick Folk instead of John Carney, or Ahmad Bradshaw instead of Beanie Wells.. I'd have won. OR if I was home team. Oh well. At least my team isn't that bad. I made some trades tonight, and I'm pretty happy with them. Now, I play my roomie. The apartment might be a little tense until next Monday after the game. Ruh roh.

In regular NFL News: Holy shit! Have you seen the Saints?! Good gravy!

Oh. Music is weird. It totally brings me down one minute and then uplifts me the next. I heard a number of songs tonight that either brought me to tears or made me feel like I can make it.

Song 1: Gone Forever, by Three Days Grace.

Song 2: Not Meant to Be, by Theory of a Deadman

Song 3: Back at Your Door, by Maroon 5

Song 4: If You're Gone, by Matchbox Twenty

Song 5: Come Back to Me, by David Cook

Song 6: No Surprise, Daughtry

I feel a mixture of all of the emotions in all of these songs. I won't post the lyrics, cause that would be a lot of lyrics. But you can find them all. It's called Google.

Hopefully Day Two will be like today. I don't mind the fact that I lost it a couple times today. I think that's to be expected. But, I don't know.. I don't think the reality has actually hit me yet. I realize that we're going to try again when she moves here, but I dunno. Part of me is thinking "Oh, this is like a long break! No biggie!" But the other part of me is like "Um, I may be losing my soulmate right now.. Why am I not doing something about it?" I still miss the crap out of her and I wanted to call her about 37 times today, especially the two moments that I couldn't help but cry, but I dunno.. I think how well I do will be dependent on which side of my consciousness takes over. Anyway, tomorrow should be just as good if not better.

Um.. and now I'm going to bed. I have nothing exciting to read anymore (Sad face). So... I guess... I'll just.. sleep? WEIRD CONCEPT! Okay. Goodnight world.

Numero Quatro

Okay, I'm fairly sure that no one reads this blog. And if you do read this blog, you're either my ex or her family. Regardless, I have some things I need to get off my chest, and I hope that none of you feel offended by this.. If you are offended, let me know some how. I'll remove this blog. These things will be directed toward certain people, but I won't name names or anything.

1. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but you're my ex, now... That doesn't even sound possible.. I am still very much in love with you. I realize that things haven't been going the way we would have wanted them to. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. We both fell down on the job in certain aspects. But, even though this hurts like hell, I feel like what we are doing is the best choice.. I want more than anything to pick up the phone and call you right now and tell you that I love you and can't live without you, so lets just try again, but we both know that within two weeks, we'd be right back here again.. Probably.. So, I think it's best for us to give each other some time and some space, and maybe we can pick it up again when you get down here. I realize that this is a HUGE maybe. You may have found someone else by then. Or I might. Or we might just realize that we're happier this way. But I'm hoping that we can still try. I truly do feel that God led me to you. And I feel like giving up on you without giving this relationship 100% of myself would be me basically spitting on a gift from God. So, I'm not ready to give up. Not yet. I just think we need some time to realize what is really important to us. And maybe being single and being back out in the dating realm will make us see "Oh shit. I really had something special there.. I'm willing to do everything in my power to get it back". Anyway, I love you. More than I love anyone in this world (I mean, I love my parents more than anything, but you're a close second..). And, I still believe that I will always love you. I hope that some day we'll come back to each other. You know where to find me. Goodbye...

2. Hey. Seems like we need to talk. Apparently, some things were said a while back and I became privy to the information. And I feel like everyone involved made unnecessary judgements about everyone else. Some things were said about me being too condescending. Some things were said about me feeling like I was better than my ex. Some things were said about me hating my father. But, I just want to take this time (You know.. Since it's too late) and make some of this stuff clear.

If I was ever condescending to your daughter, I never meant it to be rude. I only ever spoke to her in a caring manner. There may have been times that I knew the answer to something and she didn't, so I may have tried to explain the concept to her, and she may have mistook my explaining for a "teacher-student" mentality, and then stuff blew up. Or maybe, I mistook my explaining for a "friendly advice" mentality and didn't realize what I was doing. Regardless, I never meant any harm by that.

Okay, as for the other thing. This all goes back to the McDonald's conversation. At the time of this conversation, I never knew anything was wrong with what I said or how I said it. Then later, it comes to my attention that someone began talking to someone else (I'm not sure exactly who initiated the conversation. Doesn't really matter) and it turns out, you guys felt like I was saying that I was "too good" for McDonald's, and as a result, I was "better" than your daughter. I never felt that I was better than her. Never. I was actually 100% willing to take the job. I didn't WANT to take the job, but I would have, cause I needed a job. So I talked to my parents about it, and lo and behold, they told me not to take the job. They said that I could do some chores for them around the house, and they'd give me cash here and there. That way, I wouldn't have to work in fast food. Not necessarily that I'm "too good" for it. But just that they didn't want me to do it, and frankly, I didn't either. That was all that happened. There was never a mentality of "Oh, well I'm too good for McDonald's, and since my girlfriend worked there, that means I'm better than her". I never felt that way. I hope you guys can see that..

Finally, about my dad. I think what happened here was that one or both of you, through your daughter's twitter account, found my twitter page right after a massive argument between myself and my dad. Now, keep in mind, this is like.. third party information. I'm not entirely sure what happened first hand. But, the impression that I got was that when one or both of you saw my twitter post, someone made the assumption "Oh, man. He really hates his dad! I don't want my daughter dating someone who hates his father!" And then the situation was relayed to your daughter. Okay. Without coming to me and asking me what my twitter page was about, I could see someone coming to that conclusion. But, that couldn't be further from the truth. My dad and I had gotten into it about my spending time with them while we were on a trip (the cause is really irrelevant) and I was mad. It felt like Father's Day had been ruined because of his attitude, basically, and I was ranting about it. In about 10 hours, I was over it. And we're fine now. My dad and I are always fine. We love each other more than anything, and though I may rant about my life from time to time, I would never HATE my mother or father. Anyway, I guess I feel like the assumptions that were made about me were unfair, given that no one came and asked me what was the real scoop.

Okay, so then after all that information was thrown at me, I was like "Wow, they made all those assumptions about me, based on that small amount of information?" And for a while, I was pretty upset. I thought that it was unfair. But, over time, I basically got over it. I was still a little sore about it, and I wished someone had come to me and asked me about things, rather than make assumptions and then share them with my girlfriend, but I more or less got over it. So, as far as I'm concerned, there are no hard feelings. I realize this is "your daughter's ex boyfriend" talking, so I'm sure you guys aren't exactly A-OK with me at the moment, but I hope that you'll see that I was never a jerk intentionally. If I ever did anything jerk-y, it was with the best of intentions (as strange as that sounds).

I think that's basically all. Again, if anyone who reads this is offended by the information, I'm sorry and I'll promptly remove it. I just felt like this was a good place for self expression, and since I'm not naming names, and you might be the only people who read this, I felt like this would be ok. Thanks for reading this.

Oh, and as far as I'm concerned. Today was pretty rough. I woke up, knowing what I had to do, and dreading it. Went over to Blake's for the football game. Then, the break up. Then a little more football. Then work. Which sucked. I mean, it was okay, once I shook off the nausea from the shock of "Oh shit, what just happened?". I had a few "moments" at work, but other than that, I survived. This will probably become my "recovery blog" as I try to make sense of this new chapter of my life. I'm still really unhappy that the last chapter is closed, but I think it's for the best, even though it hurts a ton.

Okay, I think that's about enough. Have a good one.

Numero Tres - Supplement

I don't apologize for anything I said or mentioned in my previous blog. I warned in my initial blog that this would be a place of ranting and self-expression. When the rest of the world tells me to shut up or demands that I not talk about something, I'm going to come here. That's why I made this blog.

I made sure not to mention names of people or, other than my tirade about my ex, specific instances. The purpose of what I wrote was venting. I needed to get it off my chest, my friends are mostly jerks and don't care about me, and the person who I normally turn to didn't want to hear any of this. So, I wrote a blog about it. And frankly, I'm glad I did, because I felt better after getting it off my chest.

The last thing I'll say about it is this: If anything you read here offends you for some reason or another, you need to either think about the reasons why it offends you and decide who is really in the wrong here, OR you need to stop reading and go away. 'Nuff said.

Now, I'm gonna go visit my parents. Cause they're awesome. And I love them. Bye.

Numero Tres

Some things hit you harder than others.

For the last week or so, I've been housesitting and dogsitting for my friends. They have an awesome lab mix named Bella, and we became great friends. Overall, I had a really good time over there. I enjoyed the solitude, and the freedom, and the company of Bella. I'd basically lay around on the couch with the dog and watch movies the whole time. Pretty awesome, in my opinion.

Well, yesterday, I get on facebook, and I see that my ex girlfriend, the one that I dated for like 4 or so years, the one who I was convinced was "the one", the one who made me consider seeking counseling due to my grief after we broke up, is now engaged to her boyfriend of 2 or 3 years. Now, this isn't really THAT surprising. They have been dating for some time now, and her younger sister just got engaged, so she probably felt that it needed to happen and began pressuring the guy (I don't know that this happened, but she's the type who would try it). Regardless of whether or not this news was surprising, it hit me very hard. I was glued to the computer for about 20 minutes. Tears streamed down my face like hot rivers.

Don't get me wrong. I'm totally happy with my current relationship. I love her. I intend to marry her and have a life with her. But, there's just something about the knowledge of my ex best friend, ex girlfriend, ex "The One" candidate getting engaged.... It's like, even though I'd never CONSCIOUSLY wish it, the part of my brain that thought there could be a tiny chance of reuniting with her again in the future just died. The realization that I'll NEVER be with her again was a little overwhelming. And then, the realization that I subconsciously wanted that to happen hit me, like aftershocks, and made me feel even worse. "I thought I was over her.. Why would I be upset about her being engaged? Did I still want to end up with her?"

I guess the bottom line here is that, as of now, I'm more or less okay. I'm reaching acceptance. But the fact of the matter is, through the course of your life, you meet people who greatly affect you. Could be a mentor, or father figure, or friend, or significant other. These people have strong impacts on your life. They help shape who you are as a person. This girl, despite how the relationship ended, was one of those people. And, even though we haven't spoken in years, the fact that she's now engaged means that there is absolutely no chance of my ever coming into contact with her again. That's a jagged pill to swallow.

But I'll pull myself through this. And I'm going to be honest about my feelings with anyone who asks me. I just hope that my feelings don't alienate my current girlfriend, or make her feel any less significant. Because she is significant. She's more important that she realizes, to be sure. There's a place in my heart reserved only for her. And I hope that she can realize that there are places in my heart reserved for all of those individuals who helped me become who I am. I will never forget those people, even if they did hurt me from time to time.

Oh, and also, my father got some blood work done. He had been experiencing some weakness and fatigue. Turns out, he's anemic. The doctors haven't discerned the cause, as of yet, but they are working on it. I'm not going to worry about it at this point, though. There's no point. There are quite a few things that could be wrong, some of them not so bad, some of them horrifying. Regardless, I refuse to dwell on it until I know what the issue is. Besides, I've got enough on my plate, seeing as how I have to sort through the ex girlfriend engagement thing.

Anyway. I think thats about all I have. GF is in Texas with some family. I'm fairly sure that this is the part of her family that likes me the most. So, I'm all for her spending time with them. Don't have to worry about being badmouthed without the opportunity to defend myself.
Oh, and my friends made it back tonight, after a truly ridiculous process due to the Airline Industry. They lost their luggage in Chicago, but at least they are here and alive. So now I'm back at my apartment. Yippie. Hopefully this place won't make me sick again. Oh yeah, I never told that story. We'll that's another one.. For another time.. This has been Shannon, with Shannon Rant Numero Tres. Thanks for listening.

Numero Dos

Section 1: The Rant

So, here's my day.

Hang out at the apartment. Get my tickets for Harry Potter. Play some Halo with some friends. Then I find out that a girl I know is depressed and in need of cheering up. So my roommate and I invite her over and we decide to get food. A third friend (the Halo one) asks if he can come eat with us. So the four of us go to Quiznos. The third friend comes later. When he gets there, he suggests we all go play frisbee. I enjoy this activity, but I'm assuming that the girl with us isn't so keen, but this particular third friend is usually very.. Not demanding. That's not the right word.. He usually gets his way. He doesn't whine or anything. It's just we usually just.. Do what he wants us to do for some reason.

So we realize that none of us have frisbees, so we go to Toys R Us to buy one. At this point, the girl and I realize that by the time we get a frisbee, it'll be dark out. So we aren't too keen on the idea. We can't find one there, and so the girl and I head back to my apartment, cause I needed to take my prilosec. And my roommate and the other friend head to find a frisbee somewhere else.

So, the girl and I sit around for a bit and talk about relationships, and how people should talk/act around a lady and how the third friend didn't exactly act very gentlemanly. And then she left, and then my roommate came back, cause he didn't want to go play either.

BOTTOM LINE:

You can try everything you can in order to be a good friend or have a good day, but it's still entirely possible for one person to unintentionally screw it up just by being himself.

Section 2: The Plan

The gf's coming to town tomorrow. We're gonna see Harry Potter, and try to hang out a little bit. This will hopefully be a good thing for us. We've had a little more than a few problems as of late, as all couples do, but it feels like with the long distance, things are magnified. So hopefully getting to spend some actual quality time together might help smooth things over a bit.

Section 3: The Job

I've applied at about a million places over the last little while. Most recently, I applied at about 5 Starbuck's. One of which told me that they will be hiring 3 new positions soon. So that may work out.

Section 4: The Conclusion

Comment. K. Thanks. Bye.

Numero Uno

So, I'm gonna go ahead and jump on the bandwagon of blogging.

This'll probably be where I ramble about the day to day shit that goes on that I either deal with or attempt to deal with. Or where I share random crap that I know/find/care about.

Please excuse any misspellings or grammatical errors, as most of these posts will probably be borne of frustration, which causes me to type faster and without general giving a crap about what it looks like.

Thanks for your time, and I look forward to boring you all soon.