Today is much more difficult than the last few for some reason. Probably because I have the urge to bargain, to beg, to plead, but I refuse to let that urge take over.

I've lost count

So, I thought I was feeling better about things. Then a comment started nagging at the back of my head. And I couldn't figure out why it was bothering me.. So, I thought about it for a while and realized that I was probably right about something.. And now I don't know what to think/feel/do. I hate that this happened. I was so happy for a minute. I felt like "Hey, things are heading toward the right track and they feel good, for the first time in a while." But.. I dunno. I'm like.. fuming. I need to calm down and not be so mad until I find out for sure. Hopefully I can find out tomorrow.. And I dunno. If I'm right about this, I dunno what's going to happen. But, if I bring it up, and I'm wrong, that could be a problem too. But I think it would be better for me to go ahead and do it and know the truth, than to be ignorant. I know that my bringing it up is going to cause problems, but I think it's for the best to go ahead and get it out there.

I can already tell that I'm not going to be able to sleep, considering it's 6 am and I'm wide awake cause i can't get this off my head. I hate being angry. Especially when I don't know whether or not I should be.

We need to talk. And then I promise, I'll leave you alone. I'll put this to rest.

New Chapter: Day Four

Today was better. Even though I hate it and I think this is a really stupid mistake, I'm moving toward acceptance. If she doesn't want to be with me, then that's really all there is to it. Sucks, and it's dumb, but oh well. I'm not done trying, just yet. I still think there's hope for us. I'm still going to try to make her see that, but I don't really think it's going to work. But I'm used to fighting losing battles.

Woke up, hung around, played some Marvel. Ate some lunch. Took a nap. Went to work. Made decent money. Took a $150 delivery to Cox Hospital and they gave me no tip. Then they called ths store like 20 mintes later asking if "That nice man could come back by" because they "just felt awful" that they forgot to tip me. So we finish closing and then Megan and I hung outside and talked about LOST and like everything else on the planet for literally an HOUR. I'm excited, though. When the Season 5 DVD's come out, Megan and I are gonna ask off for like 2 straight days and have a massive LOST Season 5 Sleep-Over! haha! I'm freakin pumped. So anyway, I leave and go to Cox and the sweet girls from the NICU gave me like 16 bucks! So, that was pretty sweet. Ended up making $76 bucks for the night. Can't complain.

Now I'm eating pizza and listening to Boston. I don't work tomorrow, but I do get paid. And then I'm gonna spend the day playin Marvel with the boys, possibly hanging with Marissa, and maybe goin drinkin with Julia and some of her girl friends. Things are ALMOST as good as they could be. All I'm missing is my sweet little thang by my side.

Oh well. I'm not gonna give up. She's the only thing missing from my life. She's what I need to make life complete, and I'm not gonna stop until I make her see that we belong together. Cause we do. That's all there is to it. Done. Finito.

And now T-Pain is on. I'ma buy you a drank.

Okay, and now I'm rambling observations. So I'm gonna go. Have a good night. If i go out and have a few with the girls tomorrow, I may forget to post, or I may post random obscenities. So I apologize for tomorrow in advance, regardless. haha See ya!

New Chapter: Day Three

It's official.

I hate this.

That's basically it.

I hate half wanting to be single and enjoy it.

I hate half wanting to have her back and enjoy it.

I want one or the other.

But I can't just forget about her.

And she doesn't want me back.

So...

This is extremely unpleasant.

I'm going to bed..

New Chapter: Day Two

Woke up early.

Ate Hong Kong with Blake and Tim.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim and Mark for a while.

Talked football with Mark.

Read her blog and started thinking..

Got called in for work at 10:40 in the morning.

Cooked dinner (Cheesy Ranch Burger Hamburger Helper is not very good. Don't try it)

Watched The Colony.

Played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 with Tim, Blake, and Jason.

Getting ready for bed.

I feel like I'm being torn.

Half of me is extremely happy. The stress is entirely gone. I smile. I laugh. I play. I don't worry. I don't yell. I don't fight.

Half of me is scared to death.. I don't get to show love. I don't get to show compassion. I don't get to feel that part of myself anymore..

I realize that the point of this was so that she wouldn't hurt me and I wouldn't hurt her, and in a way, this is working.. But, if we are both hurting BECAUSE we aren't together... Aren't we just causing the same problem? Only this way, there's NOTHING we can do to stop it. At least, when we were together, we could have moments of clarity. Moments of happiness. This way, it's like constant sorrow without the ability to do anything about it..

I dunno. Part of me thinks this is a great idea. The other part thinks we're making a huge mistake.

I dunno, if she reads this, but if she does, maybe if we didn't wait as long as I initially planned.. Maybe if we gave it a couple of weeks, or a month/month and a half.. and then tried again, rather than waiting until friggin January or February or whenever. I dunno.

I just.

I know that my life feels less heavy because the stress is gone, but it also feels empty because the woman I want to pledge my life to isn't a part of my life..

Oh well. Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. I work a couple hours in the mornin, and then its Marvel again for a while. Yahoo!

New Chapter: Day One

Today was the first day of the next chapter of my life.

It went mostly okay. I woke up and finished reading Angels and Demons. Loved it! I kinda wanna see the movie, even though I'm not a big "Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon" fan. Oh well. Anyway.. Finished the book. Hung out with the roomie for a bit. Then got ready for work.

Before I got in the shower, I read her blog. It caught me off guard. I guess I didn't expect her to feel that way. I couldn't help but cry. I let myself go for a few seconds, and then decided to go ahead and get in the shower.

Went to Wal-Mart to pick up my Nasonex refill. That took FOREVER! (Momentary Rant) I hate store clerks who strike up random ass conversations with the people they are helping when they can see they have a HUGE EFFING LINE of customers who need to be helped. (Rant over) Went to work, which was mostly okay. I had to close, and the two people I closed with are both kinda asses toward me, but I made the best of it.

When I was working tonight, it was hard to imagine that I was still working after the breakup. I mean, I don't know what I expected, but the fact that necessity forced me to continue living was kind of interesting to me. I didn't just spontaneously shrivel up and die. Which is nice.

Got home from work at like 2 am. Hung with the roomie for a while, and here I am. Tomorrow I'm off work (Hallelujah!) and it looks like me, the roomie, and a bud are going to play Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2. Sounds fun. Oh! And The Colonly comes on tomorrow night. YES!

Fantasy Football Update: I lost my first game by 1 point... 1 point. If I'd played Nick Folk instead of John Carney, or Ahmad Bradshaw instead of Beanie Wells.. I'd have won. OR if I was home team. Oh well. At least my team isn't that bad. I made some trades tonight, and I'm pretty happy with them. Now, I play my roomie. The apartment might be a little tense until next Monday after the game. Ruh roh.

In regular NFL News: Holy shit! Have you seen the Saints?! Good gravy!

Oh. Music is weird. It totally brings me down one minute and then uplifts me the next. I heard a number of songs tonight that either brought me to tears or made me feel like I can make it.

Song 1: Gone Forever, by Three Days Grace.

Song 2: Not Meant to Be, by Theory of a Deadman

Song 3: Back at Your Door, by Maroon 5

Song 4: If You're Gone, by Matchbox Twenty

Song 5: Come Back to Me, by David Cook

Song 6: No Surprise, Daughtry

I feel a mixture of all of the emotions in all of these songs. I won't post the lyrics, cause that would be a lot of lyrics. But you can find them all. It's called Google.

Hopefully Day Two will be like today. I don't mind the fact that I lost it a couple times today. I think that's to be expected. But, I don't know.. I don't think the reality has actually hit me yet. I realize that we're going to try again when she moves here, but I dunno. Part of me is thinking "Oh, this is like a long break! No biggie!" But the other part of me is like "Um, I may be losing my soulmate right now.. Why am I not doing something about it?" I still miss the crap out of her and I wanted to call her about 37 times today, especially the two moments that I couldn't help but cry, but I dunno.. I think how well I do will be dependent on which side of my consciousness takes over. Anyway, tomorrow should be just as good if not better.

Um.. and now I'm going to bed. I have nothing exciting to read anymore (Sad face). So... I guess... I'll just.. sleep? WEIRD CONCEPT! Okay. Goodnight world.

Numero Quatro

Okay, I'm fairly sure that no one reads this blog. And if you do read this blog, you're either my ex or her family. Regardless, I have some things I need to get off my chest, and I hope that none of you feel offended by this.. If you are offended, let me know some how. I'll remove this blog. These things will be directed toward certain people, but I won't name names or anything.

1. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but you're my ex, now... That doesn't even sound possible.. I am still very much in love with you. I realize that things haven't been going the way we would have wanted them to. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. We both fell down on the job in certain aspects. But, even though this hurts like hell, I feel like what we are doing is the best choice.. I want more than anything to pick up the phone and call you right now and tell you that I love you and can't live without you, so lets just try again, but we both know that within two weeks, we'd be right back here again.. Probably.. So, I think it's best for us to give each other some time and some space, and maybe we can pick it up again when you get down here. I realize that this is a HUGE maybe. You may have found someone else by then. Or I might. Or we might just realize that we're happier this way. But I'm hoping that we can still try. I truly do feel that God led me to you. And I feel like giving up on you without giving this relationship 100% of myself would be me basically spitting on a gift from God. So, I'm not ready to give up. Not yet. I just think we need some time to realize what is really important to us. And maybe being single and being back out in the dating realm will make us see "Oh shit. I really had something special there.. I'm willing to do everything in my power to get it back". Anyway, I love you. More than I love anyone in this world (I mean, I love my parents more than anything, but you're a close second..). And, I still believe that I will always love you. I hope that some day we'll come back to each other. You know where to find me. Goodbye...

2. Hey. Seems like we need to talk. Apparently, some things were said a while back and I became privy to the information. And I feel like everyone involved made unnecessary judgements about everyone else. Some things were said about me being too condescending. Some things were said about me feeling like I was better than my ex. Some things were said about me hating my father. But, I just want to take this time (You know.. Since it's too late) and make some of this stuff clear.

If I was ever condescending to your daughter, I never meant it to be rude. I only ever spoke to her in a caring manner. There may have been times that I knew the answer to something and she didn't, so I may have tried to explain the concept to her, and she may have mistook my explaining for a "teacher-student" mentality, and then stuff blew up. Or maybe, I mistook my explaining for a "friendly advice" mentality and didn't realize what I was doing. Regardless, I never meant any harm by that.

Okay, as for the other thing. This all goes back to the McDonald's conversation. At the time of this conversation, I never knew anything was wrong with what I said or how I said it. Then later, it comes to my attention that someone began talking to someone else (I'm not sure exactly who initiated the conversation. Doesn't really matter) and it turns out, you guys felt like I was saying that I was "too good" for McDonald's, and as a result, I was "better" than your daughter. I never felt that I was better than her. Never. I was actually 100% willing to take the job. I didn't WANT to take the job, but I would have, cause I needed a job. So I talked to my parents about it, and lo and behold, they told me not to take the job. They said that I could do some chores for them around the house, and they'd give me cash here and there. That way, I wouldn't have to work in fast food. Not necessarily that I'm "too good" for it. But just that they didn't want me to do it, and frankly, I didn't either. That was all that happened. There was never a mentality of "Oh, well I'm too good for McDonald's, and since my girlfriend worked there, that means I'm better than her". I never felt that way. I hope you guys can see that..

Finally, about my dad. I think what happened here was that one or both of you, through your daughter's twitter account, found my twitter page right after a massive argument between myself and my dad. Now, keep in mind, this is like.. third party information. I'm not entirely sure what happened first hand. But, the impression that I got was that when one or both of you saw my twitter post, someone made the assumption "Oh, man. He really hates his dad! I don't want my daughter dating someone who hates his father!" And then the situation was relayed to your daughter. Okay. Without coming to me and asking me what my twitter page was about, I could see someone coming to that conclusion. But, that couldn't be further from the truth. My dad and I had gotten into it about my spending time with them while we were on a trip (the cause is really irrelevant) and I was mad. It felt like Father's Day had been ruined because of his attitude, basically, and I was ranting about it. In about 10 hours, I was over it. And we're fine now. My dad and I are always fine. We love each other more than anything, and though I may rant about my life from time to time, I would never HATE my mother or father. Anyway, I guess I feel like the assumptions that were made about me were unfair, given that no one came and asked me what was the real scoop.

Okay, so then after all that information was thrown at me, I was like "Wow, they made all those assumptions about me, based on that small amount of information?" And for a while, I was pretty upset. I thought that it was unfair. But, over time, I basically got over it. I was still a little sore about it, and I wished someone had come to me and asked me about things, rather than make assumptions and then share them with my girlfriend, but I more or less got over it. So, as far as I'm concerned, there are no hard feelings. I realize this is "your daughter's ex boyfriend" talking, so I'm sure you guys aren't exactly A-OK with me at the moment, but I hope that you'll see that I was never a jerk intentionally. If I ever did anything jerk-y, it was with the best of intentions (as strange as that sounds).

I think that's basically all. Again, if anyone who reads this is offended by the information, I'm sorry and I'll promptly remove it. I just felt like this was a good place for self expression, and since I'm not naming names, and you might be the only people who read this, I felt like this would be ok. Thanks for reading this.

Oh, and as far as I'm concerned. Today was pretty rough. I woke up, knowing what I had to do, and dreading it. Went over to Blake's for the football game. Then, the break up. Then a little more football. Then work. Which sucked. I mean, it was okay, once I shook off the nausea from the shock of "Oh shit, what just happened?". I had a few "moments" at work, but other than that, I survived. This will probably become my "recovery blog" as I try to make sense of this new chapter of my life. I'm still really unhappy that the last chapter is closed, but I think it's for the best, even though it hurts a ton.

Okay, I think that's about enough. Have a good one.