Roses

So, recently, things hadn't been so peachy with the girlf and I. So, we had a couple of sit down conversations about things that both of us could work on and whether or not, honestly, we wanted to put forth the effort needed to make "us" work or whether we'd rather just say "hey, we gave it a good run" and walk away. And we decided to work on it.

The fruits of that decision are as follows: The best Monday of my entire life. She came to town Sunday night while I was working. We went to Walmart and did some shopping, then picked up my Christmas decorations at my folks' place, came back and decorated till 2 am. Then, Monday, I had to work at 4, so we hung around and just goofed around with each other, laughing and whatnot. Then, after work, we went to my folk's place to watch the Saints beat up on the Giants. And after that, we came back to my apartment. And, the next day, we watched an episode of LOST and she went to work.

Nothing all that monumental happened, but we finally stopped rushing around and going nuts long enough to smell the roses and actually enjoy one another. Conversation, smiles, laughs, cuddles.

This isn't a "Ooh, look at me. I'm happy" post. Not entirely, anyway. It's also to say that, WAY too often, we (meaning I, but probably more than just me) let school/work/obligations interfere with the things that we will actually look back on in 40 years with warmth in our hearts and fond memories in our minds. And, I finally stopped thinking of my life as a work in progress and gave myself one day to enjoy what it would feel like if THIS was the finished product of my life. I smelled the roses and I loved what I smelled.

As a whole, I think people need to do this. I think people need to do their jobs and make ends meet to provide for their families, but I think that people need to also put WAY more focus on that family. On their friends. Because, not to be morbid, but when you're lying on your death bed, how many hours a week you worked, or if you got a Master's degree isn't what you'll be replaying through your head. You'll be thinking of those cherished moments with your guys. Or your gals. Or that special someone. Or your parents. Or kids. Or whatever. THOSE are the moments we need to pay attention to.

If you are capable of putting a roof over your head and food on your table, fantastic. Stop worrying about petty day-to-day crap. Start taking inventory of who matters in your life. The people who love you and the people who try to make you smile. And start realizing that THEY are the focus of your life. THEY are the ones who make it all worthwhile. Otherwise, we become empty shells who work meaningless jobs, totally alone.

Okay, rant almost over. My bottom line is that life is short. And we should take more time out of our busy schedules to enjoy the people who bless us with their attention and their presence. Because those are the people that matter.

Alright, one last blurb about my life. I've never claimed to be Prince Charming or anything like that, but I have claimed that I would do anything I could to treat my girl like a Princess. And it's absolutely mindblowingly amazing that I've found someone who appreciates me and realizes that, while I might not be the perfect handsome prince, I'm a damn good guy.

Alright, had to get that off my chest. It's late, and I have a lot of homework to do before class tomorrow. Hope all is well in internet land.

OH! One last thing. I may be trying my hand at a new nerdly endeavor. I have a friend who thinks he can help me hook up my lappy to my tv so I can record myself playing video games. And then I'd record the game audio with audio from myself, and maybe do like talking walkthroughs of games, or just play throughs where I commentate on what's going on. So that the audience can get reaction shots of me when I die or whatever. Anyway, lots of folks on YouTube do it, and I would love to give it a go. I've been told that my outburts during video games can be quite entertaining, so if I can get the right equipment, I hope that you guys will check them out. I'll post on here when I have something to show for it on my YouTube channel.

I love that I'm talking to "you guys" as if anyone actually reads this blog. Lawl! Alright, I'm outtie 5000.

Ch-ch-changes

So, I have my job at Domino's. I have a new one bedroom apartment. I have a couple of great friends. And I have a girlfriend.

So, shouldn't I be the happiest guy around?

Well, I'm not. I can't really put my finger on why... I love the job. And I love my apartment. It gets lonely from time to time, but nothing as depressing as the summer I moved back in with my parents. My friends are either really great or nonexistent, but typically not because they want to be. Sometimes people get busy, and I get that. And when they do have time, we have great fun.

That leaves the girlfriend. I don't think that's the problem either. Sure, we run into our share of issues, and we've only been dating 3 months, but for the most part, things feel pretty good. I'm confident that she really cares for me and would never deliberately hurt me.

So, there's a twinge of depression and emptiness that I still feel that I can't quite identify right now. But I have a theory..

I haven't let myself just BE. Ever. I've always been a work in progress. I'm always improving something. And for the last two years, that's been my Masters degree. I'm working toward becoming a high school or college teacher. Something related to the field that I enjoyed studying and also something that would theoretically allow me to make enough money to provide for myself and my future family. However...

If I'm totally honest with myself, I'm happy right now. I have a job at Domino's that pays my rent, my utilities, my food costs, and everything else I need to pay. Yeah, I'm not rolling in money, and I wouldn't be able to support, say, a child, but for who I am and the place I'm at, I'm comfortable.

I'm not saying I don't want to move on to bigger and better things later. I'm just saying that the fact that I'm in a state of improvement means that I can't just relax and sit back and enjoy the life I'm living, because I see it all as temporary.

I have friends who are open books. The life that you see them in is the life that they will have for, barring some midlife crisis, the duration. And they are able to enjoy adulthood. They wake up each day and live the lives that they have created for themselves. I can't do that. I wake up each day and feel like "Well, I'm forced to do this other thing because I've put so much time into it, even though I'm perfectly happy and content where I am". It's depressing to think that no matter how happy I am right now, I will HAVE to change things in order to get anything out of all this time and money I've spent (wasted?) for the past 7 years.

Anyway, I think that's why I'm so down in the dumps. And I think I've been taking it out on people who mean the world to me. So, I'm going to try to stop that and be a better man. But I also need to sit and take an inventory of what I really see for my future. Maybe that way, I can get myself back on track.

Anyways, in short term news, this has been the best weekend I've had in quite some time now. Friday, I worked. Saturday, I worked and then got to go see The Blanks, or Ted's a capella group from Scrubs, and meet them and get their CD signed. Today, I worked, and watched some football. My Saints won. My biggest rival in fantasy football lost. and unless Matt Forte scores 23 points tomorrow, I stand a great chance of winning my fantasy football. Which would be incredible, since the guy I'm playing is currently undefeated. Cross your fingers!

Tomorrow, I get to relax till 4, when I go to work. Maybe I'll get off in time to watch the game. If not, it's cool. I like working with these people. It's good times.

Alright. I'm off to read a bit before bed. Peace out!

Shamalamadingdong.

Improvements or How to Get Your Hopes Up

So, some blogs I write and then don't post. Some blogs I write, post, and then move on. Some blogs I write, post, and then post on facebook to try to get other people's opinions. This will probably be either a no post, or a walk away from.

Edit: Ooh! Or Google+! I'll post it there. That way, a smaller portion of people can read it. OR better yet, I'll make a circle of specific people who I'd like to read it. OH MY CRAP I JUST FELL IN LOVE WITH GOOGLE PLUS!

I had a date this week. And it wasn't a nose dive straight into the ground! I met her on an online dating website (lame, I know). I don't know if you know much about online dating in Springfield, MO, but here's how it works. Most of the women on online dating fall into one of three categories: Morbidly obese, clinically insane, or moms.

I'm not shallow by any stretch of the imagination, BUT, I kinda would like to date someone who is less fat than me. Maybe that's rude of me, but I kinda think I'm on the bigger end of the not atrocious spectrum, so if you're a girl and you're bigger than me, you may have some future health issues to worry about.

As for crazy chicks, I've been with a few. But sometimes, it's nice to not have to worry about being stabbed to death or something of that nature. Crazy / hot is different from crazy / ohmygodyoumightkillmeinmysleep.

Moms? I have no problem with. I love kids. I want one! Buuuut, I kinda want one that's actually mine... Don't get me wrong, I'm a HUGE proponent of adoption, because I think abortion is evil and terrible, so I'm not saying that single moms are sinners and evil people and no one should love them. I'm just saying, at this point in my life, it's not for me. So, I tend to shy away from girls with kids.

So anyways, back to my date. I met this girl on an online dating website, and from first glance, I see that she's not overweight, doesn't seem to want to murder all of her exes, and has no kids. So I'm like, hey! I'm game! So we talk for a while, and come to find out she's the daughter of the guy who sits next to me in my Monday night Education class! Whoa! AND, she went to high school with my best friend's wife! WHOA PART DEUX! Small world, am I right?

So anyways, I ask her out on a date, and I drive to Bolivar to pick her up and we go get pizza and see a movie, and things went really well. No hand holding or kissing or anything like that cause, well, I'm apparently really shy when it comes to girls I might want to have a relationship with. And, my previous experiences in courting usually go something like this: Meet girl, spend small amount of time with girl, get pounced on and made out with, begin serious committed relationship. So, rarely have I ever had a real, start from scratch type courting period.

Anyways, so things went well, and I hugged her goodnight, and I drove home, and now I'm all giddy about it. I asked her about date number two, and she's apparently going to let me know when she has another night off..... And, so here I sit, freaking out about when I should text her again, or if I should, or what if she never gets back to me, or yadda yadda yadda. Right? Cause, you know, I'm a teenage boy all over again.

Alright, so on to the other topic I'd like to discuss. Get ready. Are you sitting down? Are you sure? Okay. Here goes.....

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A JOB!!!!!

Let me clarify. I applied at a different Domino's than the one I worked at in 2009, because my assistant manager from that store now works at this new store. And she rocks my world and basically assured me that if I wanted a job, I'd have one. So I applied there and didn't hear anything from anyone from like a month, other than "oh, I think they hired a couple new drivers already". So I had all but given up. Then, today, lo and behold, I get a call from Bill the manager, asking me to come up tomorrow to fill out some paperwork! And I'm like, okay, he didn't tell me I had the job, but why would be want me to fill out paperwork if there wasn't a job, right?

So, if I get this job..... Then I'll make money (duh).... If I make money..... I can get an apartment.....

I'd like to take this time to direct you to some of my posts from Summer of 2010.... I was struggling with being single. Struggling with being unemployed. and Struggling with living with my parents.

It has been one year since that time, and all three of those issues SEEM (knock on wood. knock on it like you've NEVER knocked on wood in your entire life) to be moving in a solved-wardly direction!

Now, the second part of the title of this blog is kicking in. You may or may not know that I'm prone to putting the cart before the horse at times, and then when the rug is pulled out from under me, collapsing in a heap of my own depression. So, once again, I'm trying desperately NOT to be too excited about these things. But it's tough when it has been so long since I've had something to be this excited about.

Anyways, I think that's about enough of my rambling for now. Hope this has been an entertaining read. If not, thanks for wasting your time on me. :) Till next time.

Nip/Tuck

Alright, so I've been spending my late night hours watching Nip/Tuck on Netflix. If you are unaware, Nip/Tuck was a show on FX from 2003-2010 about these two plastic surgeons, Sean McNamara and Christian Troy. The show reminded me of House at first, with each episode having one or two "Patients" and some underlying "Soap Opera-y" drama between the main characters and their families. But, whereas House is very much about the patient, with a little of the character drama sprinkled in, Nip/Tuck is the opposite, focusing much more on the characters, with some surgeries sprinkled throughout.

Anyways, I instantly fell in love with the show. It had compelling characters, great humor, some outrageous wtf moments, etc. But, I really think what did it for me was Sean's relationships with his wife, Julia, and children, Matt, Annie, and Connor. Sean McNamara is me. I've always been this character. He's the caring, selfless, "go ahead and beat me up, as long as you love me" guy. And my whole life, I've wanted to be Christian. He's the sexy, charismatic, women fall on him even when he's not trying guy.

So, throughout the show, there's all this drama between Sean, his family, and Christian, as well as minor characters and stuff. I just finished watching the series finale, and I'm so depressed I can hardly stand it. I won't ruin it for those of you who choose to watch it later, but bottom line is I was wanting the show to end a certain way, and it literally ended the exact opposite way of how I wanted it to end. So, picture me, feeling like I'm Sean, and my story ends in the exact opposite way of how I wanted it to end. It just sorta makes me feel like "Wow, it's entirely possible for my life to go in the exact opposite way of how I wanted it to go." And, in a lot of ways, it has.

I'm not saying I'm miserable. I'm just not where I'd thought I'd be at 25. But, there's a silver lining or two.

First of all, Nip/Tuck as a show has shown me that my life isn't over. I'm 25 and the characters in this show are 40, 45. I still have 20 years before I'm there, and even then, that's only like half of my whole life. I have all sorts of time left to find the right girl. Have a family. Raise a son. Spoil my grandkids. That makes me feel so much better. 25 is a stepping stone. It's something I have to do to get to 45. And, when I get to 45, if I haven't gotten to where I want to be, hey, I'm only halfway done anyway!

Second, just because Sean, Julia, Christian, and Matt didn't end up where I wanted them to all end up doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Similarly, who's to say that being married to the girl of my dreams with a baby boy in my arms at 25 was the ONLY way for me to be happy? Yeah, that's where I thought I'd be. And I think it would make me happy. But, I'm still in a place where I can enjoy my life and experience those things later. There are more ways than one for my life to go so that I can be happy. I just need to keep on truckin until I find one.

So bottom line, I personally thought the show was great overall. I loved the drama and the humor (and the acting!!!!!!!!!), and I really loved having something to watch where I could see how both sides of my personality (the responsible, loving man, and the sexy, impulsive man) play out in various situations. I'm sad that it's over, but it was definitely worth the ride.

If you have Netflix (or if you don't, you can find it online. I did before I had Netflix) and some time to waste, check out Nip/Tuck. Do it for two reasons. One, do it because it's a great show. Two, do it because you'll actually be learning a lot about how I feel about life/love/myself, etc.

There you have it. Nip/Tuck ranks number 3 on my list of Best T.V. Shows of All Time, behind LOST and Prison Break.

So, tell me what you don't like about yourself.

Update

Negative, Ghost Rider.

So, I'm bummed, but not crushed.

Back to the drawing board.

I'm freakin out, man! Well, not really.

So, once again, I got "too busy" for blogging. Which essentially means I was bored out of my mind but found other ways to attempt to occupy myself. No biggie.

Uh, recent events... I started looking for a job, kind of. I'm looking but not looking CRAZY hard. I want to find my own place to live, but I'm also kind of waiting for my gym membership and a few other changes that I've made to start showing some promise. Which, they are. But, I make excuses. A lot.

Other than that, I don't really think too much has happened that's worth note. This blog is more of a plea. A plea directed towards myself. Or, more accurately, a plea directed towards specific attributes that I have.

Bottom line, tomorrow is Monday (Or, today is Monday, since I'm posting this at 3:something AM.) and I'm going to do something that I haven't done in a while. And I'm quite nervous to be doing it. But, I have a feeling that, regardless of the outcome, the act of doing said task will significantly improve my courage and demeanor. Of course, I'm hoping for a favorable return, but I'm prepared for the worst.

So, tomorrow, I need my shyness and my insecurities to take a vacation. Not because the outcome of the entire situation depends on it, but more because it would make my job MUCH easier.

There, I think that was vague enough.

Also, apparently I have a bad habit of flinging WAY too many commas into everything I write. I just went back and took out about 5 of them... Yay for proofreading. There are probably still more unnecessary commas in this post. Sue me.

Possible update later, after said task is completed? With maybe good news? I hope?