So, shouldn't I be the happiest guy around?
Well, I'm not. I can't really put my finger on why... I love the job. And I love my apartment. It gets lonely from time to time, but nothing as depressing as the summer I moved back in with my parents. My friends are either really great or nonexistent, but typically not because they want to be. Sometimes people get busy, and I get that. And when they do have time, we have great fun.
That leaves the girlfriend. I don't think that's the problem either. Sure, we run into our share of issues, and we've only been dating 3 months, but for the most part, things feel pretty good. I'm confident that she really cares for me and would never deliberately hurt me.
So, there's a twinge of depression and emptiness that I still feel that I can't quite identify right now. But I have a theory..
I haven't let myself just BE. Ever. I've always been a work in progress. I'm always improving something. And for the last two years, that's been my Masters degree. I'm working toward becoming a high school or college teacher. Something related to the field that I enjoyed studying and also something that would theoretically allow me to make enough money to provide for myself and my future family. However...
If I'm totally honest with myself, I'm happy right now. I have a job at Domino's that pays my rent, my utilities, my food costs, and everything else I need to pay. Yeah, I'm not rolling in money, and I wouldn't be able to support, say, a child, but for who I am and the place I'm at, I'm comfortable.
I'm not saying I don't want to move on to bigger and better things later. I'm just saying that the fact that I'm in a state of improvement means that I can't just relax and sit back and enjoy the life I'm living, because I see it all as temporary.
I have friends who are open books. The life that you see them in is the life that they will have for, barring some midlife crisis, the duration. And they are able to enjoy adulthood. They wake up each day and live the lives that they have created for themselves. I can't do that. I wake up each day and feel like "Well, I'm forced to do this other thing because I've put so much time into it, even though I'm perfectly happy and content where I am". It's depressing to think that no matter how happy I am right now, I will HAVE to change things in order to get anything out of all this time and money I've spent (wasted?) for the past 7 years.
Anyway, I think that's why I'm so down in the dumps. And I think I've been taking it out on people who mean the world to me. So, I'm going to try to stop that and be a better man. But I also need to sit and take an inventory of what I really see for my future. Maybe that way, I can get myself back on track.
Anyways, in short term news, this has been the best weekend I've had in quite some time now. Friday, I worked. Saturday, I worked and then got to go see The Blanks, or Ted's a capella group from Scrubs, and meet them and get their CD signed. Today, I worked, and watched some football. My Saints won. My biggest rival in fantasy football lost. and unless Matt Forte scores 23 points tomorrow, I stand a great chance of winning my fantasy football. Which would be incredible, since the guy I'm playing is currently undefeated. Cross your fingers!
Tomorrow, I get to relax till 4, when I go to work. Maybe I'll get off in time to watch the game. If not, it's cool. I like working with these people. It's good times.
Alright. I'm off to read a bit before bed. Peace out!
Shamalamadingdong.
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