I feel like every time I post something, I start with "man, it's been a while" or some such. It's like I write something that I need to say, and then I'm good for a while. But before I know it, all of the unsaid feelings and thoughts start to weaken the dam I built and eventually, I need to let it out again.

So, last time, I was single, lonely, depressed, and fat.

I did the P90x thing for a while, until the guy who I was doing it with bailed on me. One day it was a sunburn, then he was nauseous, etc. Long story short, I'm holding pretty steady between 235 and 240. I'll probably go ahead and buy P90x for myself and just do it here at the apartment. I still want to lose weight, and after actually having some results with that workout dvd, I really want to keep it up.

Still at Domino's and loving it.

Still saying eff school, cause eff school.

Here's the biggest change since the last post. I met someone.

Let me try that again. I didn't exactly meet someone. I met her in high school, when she was the girlfriend of my best friend at the time. She's been part of our little group of friends since then, but we were never particularly close. But I've been around to watch her marry one guy, get divorced from that guy, date another guy, have a baby, and, most recently, leave that guy. She was kind of in need of a shoulder to cry on, and I wanted to be there for her. And before I knew it, I fell for her and her 17 month old daughter. They turned my lonely depressing existence into a little mini family. My apartment used to be full of pizza boxes and Subway wrappers. Now it's full of little baby toys and clothes and stuff. Every single thing about who I thought I was as a person has flipped on its head.

Before we found each other, I was absolutely certain that I would never want to date anyone with a kid. I felt like I was a kid myself. I can barely figure out what I need, much less take care of a small human. So, I avoided moms like the plague. But, I spent five minutes picking this little girl up and twirling her around in the air and watching her face light up and that huge grin on her face before I realized that THIS was what my life was missing. I was missing family. I needed family.

Now, I'm not saying everything is peaches and cream. The gf and I get into squabbles here and there, like every couple, but she plops down on the couch next to me, drapes her leg over mine, and lays her head on my shoulder, and we just watch the little one play, and it's like, where else would I ever want to be right now?

So, that's what's up now. Still trying to decide on what the little one's gonna call me. I did manage to teach her the "mama mama mama mama ma ma ma ma mum mum mum mum mommy mommy mommy" thing from Family Guy. I'm gonna try to teach her to say "vile woman" or "what the deuce" or "You have the power to end this!"

Haven't done this in a while. Things have changed.

Riding solo, again. The girl and I went through a couple months of pretty bad arguments and just general not feeling good. We had reached a point where we were gonna try something new to fix things, and then the next thing I knew, she deleted me from facebook and refused to return my calls or texts. So... Yeah, that was unexpected. After two weeks of waiting for her to mail me my stuff back, since she refused to see me, I decided to drive to her and get it. She left my stuff in a box on her porch, and when I knocked on the door to get the rest of it, she sent her roommate to the door and hid in her bedroom. I know she was there. Her car was outside. Anyways, I guess Chapter Closed. I really thought I had something there. Serves me right for thinking I could actually find someone who appreciates me.

Next point of business, Drury, the college I go to, screwed me. They cancelled my student loans three fourths of the way through the semester, forcing me to pay them an ungodly amount of money that I didn't have. I asked them why and they told me it was because I wasn't taking graduate classes. And I asked why that mattered. And they said that I was a grad student. And I told them that at no point had anyone at Drury ever told me I was a graduate student. Any time I had asked my advisor or the financial aid or whatever office, they would tell me I was a Post-Baccalaureate student. Also, I DID sign up for a grad course for the semester. Drury cancelled it since so few people signed up for it. But there were NO other grad courses I could take to satisfy my requirements.Their response was basically, tough crap. So I had to quit student teaching, when I was like a month and a half away from being finished, so I could get hours back at Domino's so I could pay Drury for the class that I had to quit.

So, now I'm living in a one bedroom apartment, alone, working full time at Domino's and not going to school.

Every single thing that I had been building for my life has collapsed within the course of two months.

Sigh. Pretty pathetic, I know. So, since I lost everything from things I had zero control of, I have decided that the only way I can save myself from the massive amount of depression I feel zeroing in on me is to do something about the one part of my life that maybe I can do something about: my weight.

For any random E-People who read this without knowing who I am, I'm a 5'8, 26 year old man, with a pretty broad build. Even since I was a baby, I was a very broad shouldered kid. So, the weight that I have is distributed to the point that most people have a VERY hard time believing I weigh as much as I do.

I've started a sort of mini diet that consists of essentially not eating fried food and not drinking soda. Yeah, not very extreme changes, but I wanted to start somewhere that I thought I could actually stick to. I've also started P90x. For those of you who don't know, it's a 90 day fitness routine that comes on hour long dvds. Each day of the week is a different workout. They're.... pretty intense. But, I figure, if I stick to the no fried foods or soda, and if I stick to doing my hour of crazy intense workout each day.... I should be able to make SOME progress. At least, enough to get myself in some form of shape so that I can take things a step further.

When I began, I weighed right at 250 lbs. I'm currently down to 245. My first goal is 190. I just want to prove to myself that I CAN be under 200 lbs. I've been over for so long...

So, that's that. I'm monumentally lonely, but before I worry about trying to find the right girl, I want to try to make myself the best version of me that I can. How can I expect to be with a good looking girl if I look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?

Alright, that's enough wallowing in self pity for one night. Wish me luck that I can stick with the positive changes that I'm making, and that I can not dwell on the negative ones. Have a great day/night/week/month/whatever!

Chuck Finale

So, I watched a show called Chuck. I've seen every episode. The series finale was Friday night and I just watched it. Here's a series synopsis.

There's this guy named Chuck. He's pretty much a big loser. Computer geek. No skill with ladies. Very little social ability, etc. One day, he gets an email from an old college buddy, who became a spy, and the email downloads a CIA super computer called the Intersect into his head. The next say, a CIA agent named Sarah Walker and an NSA agent named John Casey show up to "handle" Chuck. In other words, they protect him while the government figures out how to get the Intersect out of his head. And they decide to use him/the Intersect to catch some bad guys along the way.

Through the process, Chuck learns some spy abilities and gains some confidence and eventually falls in love with Sarah. Sarah struggles to determine whether she was just following her cover identity or whether she falls in love with Chuck. In the end, she admits to having feelings for Chuck and they become a spy couple. Eventually they get married and discuss starting a family, etc.

Okay, if you watch the show, or plan to, and haven't yet seen the final two episodes, stop reading. Come back after you have finished.

So, short version of the story, the government gets the Intersect out of his head a while back, after they create a new version that, not only gives the user a crapload of knowledge, but also gives them Matrix like fighting ability. The problem with this new Intersect is it makes you lose your memories. It's like the Intersect controls so much of your brain that it can't hold all of your information as well.

So, in order to stop a dangerous plot of some kind, Sarah ends up putting the Intersect into her head. Then, she gets captured, and the bad guy forces her to use the Intersect over and over again until eventually, all of her memories are gone. She forgets Chuck, she forgets their relationship, she forgets that she's in love with him. It's all gone. Back to who she was when she met him. A cold, calculating spy woman who has no feelings for this random loser guy.

Meanwhile, Chuck is still in love with her. I mean, she's his wife. So he tries various tactics to get her to remember that she loves him, and all of them fail. She then, he tries to make her RE-fall in love with him, and that seems to fail too.

So, picture yourself in that scenario. You're in love with someone. You've had so much time together. All of these memories and stories and events together. Suddenly, they forget that you even exist, and even though they believe that you're telling the truth, that you have this life together, they just... Don't feel it anymore. "Yes, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure we did get married and talk about family and fall in love. But I don't have those feelings anymore. They're gone."

The finale episode of the show consists of Chuck and Sarah trying to find and capture/kill the bad guy who screwed up Sarah's brain. And they travel to a whole lot of places that happen to be familiar to their relationship. Then at the end, there's a like 3 minute clip show of some Chuck and Sarah moments throughout the 5 years of the show.

It really was a beautiful way to end the show. I loved the symbolism back to the first season of the show. It was great. I'm just bummed out that it's over. It was such a great show. I'll probably need to own it at some point. There were a LOT of "I'm Chuck Bartowski" moments that I had while watching the show over the years.

Anyway, that's it. I just wanted to talk about the show and what I thought of it. If you watched the series, or the finale, or whatever, leave me a comment and tell me what you thought. Thanks!

I need a break.

So, I'm student teaching now. And I hate it. It's an assload of work for something that I don't want to do. I don't want to teach high school. But, I'm putting myself through this to get my high school teacher certification, just in case I can't find a job at a college and because I think it'll look better on my resume that I am a qualified teacher and not just some dude.

I have an assload of papers to grade and I have an assload of lessons to write and teach to kids who, for the most part, have no interest in the topic. Sure, I'm gonna have the same issue in a college setting, but I still picture myself being happier there.

On the topic of general happiness... It's no surprise that I've struggled with depression for quite some time now. Probably not deep enough to warrant clinical assistance of any kind, but regardless, I'm almost constantly bummed out about something or another. Sure, I have good days, and a couple of good things will happen here and there, but for the most part, I wake up unhappy, I go through my day faking being happy, I get home unhappy, I spend a few hours with my friends (my only source of happiness) and then I go to bed alone and unhappy.

Like I said, I don't think I need to do anything extreme about how I feel. I don't think I need to talk to someone professional or take medication or anything. I just think sometimes things suck. And, recently, I haven't had much in the realm of people trying to help me be happy. Not pointing fingers or anything, but sometimes, it would be cool if people realized what you were going through and gave a little bit of their time/energy into helping you be happy. I only feel that way because I deliberately give MOST of my time/energy into helping my friends be happy. Like, seriously. Every ounce of my energy that I'm not forced into putting into student teaching or my job, I give to my friends. Somewhere, in my mind, I feel like I deserve the same from the people that I care about. Where are they when I need them?

I'm not saying my friends are crappy. I totally understand how hard it is to go out of your way for people. Think of it like this. Let's say you have a cat, and always feed her, always change her litter, always change her water, take her to the vet when she have ringworm... It's not necessarily in her realm of understanding to see that you may be suffering and might need a little extra purring or snuggling, right? I mean, her whole life, YOU have been doing things for HER. Not the other way around. I can see how it might be tough to break out of that mindset and see that, "oh, just because they have been the provider, doesn't mean that they won't occasionally need to be provided for."

So, that's about it. I'm in a funk. And it will probably last until the end of April when I get finished student teaching. If I last that long. Sheesh.