I need a break.

So, I'm student teaching now. And I hate it. It's an assload of work for something that I don't want to do. I don't want to teach high school. But, I'm putting myself through this to get my high school teacher certification, just in case I can't find a job at a college and because I think it'll look better on my resume that I am a qualified teacher and not just some dude.

I have an assload of papers to grade and I have an assload of lessons to write and teach to kids who, for the most part, have no interest in the topic. Sure, I'm gonna have the same issue in a college setting, but I still picture myself being happier there.

On the topic of general happiness... It's no surprise that I've struggled with depression for quite some time now. Probably not deep enough to warrant clinical assistance of any kind, but regardless, I'm almost constantly bummed out about something or another. Sure, I have good days, and a couple of good things will happen here and there, but for the most part, I wake up unhappy, I go through my day faking being happy, I get home unhappy, I spend a few hours with my friends (my only source of happiness) and then I go to bed alone and unhappy.

Like I said, I don't think I need to do anything extreme about how I feel. I don't think I need to talk to someone professional or take medication or anything. I just think sometimes things suck. And, recently, I haven't had much in the realm of people trying to help me be happy. Not pointing fingers or anything, but sometimes, it would be cool if people realized what you were going through and gave a little bit of their time/energy into helping you be happy. I only feel that way because I deliberately give MOST of my time/energy into helping my friends be happy. Like, seriously. Every ounce of my energy that I'm not forced into putting into student teaching or my job, I give to my friends. Somewhere, in my mind, I feel like I deserve the same from the people that I care about. Where are they when I need them?

I'm not saying my friends are crappy. I totally understand how hard it is to go out of your way for people. Think of it like this. Let's say you have a cat, and always feed her, always change her litter, always change her water, take her to the vet when she have ringworm... It's not necessarily in her realm of understanding to see that you may be suffering and might need a little extra purring or snuggling, right? I mean, her whole life, YOU have been doing things for HER. Not the other way around. I can see how it might be tough to break out of that mindset and see that, "oh, just because they have been the provider, doesn't mean that they won't occasionally need to be provided for."

So, that's about it. I'm in a funk. And it will probably last until the end of April when I get finished student teaching. If I last that long. Sheesh.