So, no one reads this. Which is fine. Cause I don't need anyone to. I need this for me.
This has been a very difficult year. I'm not gonna say "the worst in my life," because I will need some time to reflect on it and make that determination later. The year before Meredith started dating Ryan was extremely difficult. I don't know how this one matches up just yet. But, it's been really tough. I have become a different person entirely, and I'm really not sure if I like the New Shannon yet. I thought I did. In fact, I was sure of it. But, reflecting now, I don't know. I really liked the Old Shannon. He was a pretty cool guy. Very sweet. Very naive. Extremely. He had rose-colored glasses. He saw the good in everything and every one. But, it's safe to say that he's dead. As in, I will NEVER be that Shannon again. Which is kinda sad in a way. But it also means that I HAVE to learn to love the New Shannon. This New Shannon is extremely cynical. He's angry. At specific people, at no one, at the world, at the idea of optimism.. That's not to say that I'm miserable. I'm not, anymore. I was. Here's that story..
In June of 2009, I moved into the apartment with Tim. Great decision. Leah kind of pushed me toward that, and I am eternally grateful for her. I would NEVER have left the comfort and safety of the nest if it hadn't been for her being there to tell me that I could do it. But, about 4 months into living in the apartment, she and I split up. It was rough. And by rough, I mean "I'm fairly sure I kept my upstairs neighbors awake crying hard into my pillow for months." rough. But, I had an EXCELLENT support network. Many of the people involved were people I barely knew. Marissa was SO helpful. I mean, but at the same time I never will be able to get over the fact that if I had never met Marissa, I would never have had the courage to break up with Leah. So, part of me really hates Marissa for that. But another part of me is thankful. Which is really unfair to Marissa, because every time I talk to her, she has no way of knowing which Shannon is going to be there. But, regardless, at the time, she was there. Also, Heather from Domino's was essential. I needed a place to point the love in my heart that I could no longer give to Leah. I'm not saying I was in love with Heather. I wasn't. But I had something to... yearn for. Finally, Kristina was there. Sort of. Sure, she lives in Oregon and goes to school in Idaho and we've never actually met, but she was there to talk to about Leah and it really helped. So, long story short, I had people there to fall back on, as opposed to when Meredith and I split, where I had no one. So, I survived. I started to move on. Then Leah moved to Branson. That made things difficult. It wasn't her fault, though. We were both trying to figure out what we wanted. Neither of us knew for sure. Ultimately, we don't talk anymore, which is a huge bummer because she's a great person. I'll always miss her. Anyways, it complicated my already complicated life. But that's okay. Again, support network.
So, I started hanging out with people again around March-ish, partly because I was back in school and partly because I had some non-school friends. But, I ended up getting caught up in something. I don't necessarily regret any of it. But, regardless, it happened, and it was dangerous, and I'm glad it's gone now. But, it slowly started consuming me, even though I was SURE that it wouldn't. It was like the black suit from Spider-Man. It felt good, but ultimately it was corrupting who I was. This, in combination with the heartbreak from Leah and the next part of the story is what eventually killed Old Shannon.
So, in May, I moved out of the apartment. My lease was up, and I wasn't working, due to grad school, so I moved back into the parents' house. I figured it would kinda suck but that I loved my folks so no big deal, right? Wrong. They did everything that they could to make me okay with the situation, but the seeds of depression were already planted. The fact of the matter was I had gone from 1) being in a happy relationship that I fully intended to see through to marriage and beyond. 2) having a somewhat lucrative job. 3) having a bunch of great friends and 4) living on my own to 1) being mind-blowingly single 2) being jobless 3) having absolutely no one to talk to and 4) living in my mom's basement again. I had taken my little car in the game of Life, removed the pink companion peg and moved it backwards 7 years. I was in the same exact position that I had been in when I was a sophomore in high school. THAT is depressing. Imagine climbing Mount Everest for 7 years, and then looking down and seeing that you've actually gone BACKWARDS! That was also heartbreaking.
So, let's recap. A) I had gotten involved in something extremely dangerous and destructive that I actually enjoyed. B) I was depressed from the loss of who I considered The One. C) I was depressed from the idea of returning back to "You're a bum who lives in your mom's basement with no friends and no girl" status. I quickly became attached to the destructive behavior. Why? Who knows. But it was probably half "It makes me forget all my problems for a while" and half "It's bad for me, and I hate myself".
So, naive, happy-go-lucky Shannon died over the three months of summer. What emerged was this man. This cynical, doubting, unhappy, jagged person. I'm no longer attached to what I had become attached to, which is for the best, but the change has already been made. And I'm no longer naive enough to think that I can change back. That's not possible. The rose-colored glasses are broken. But that's okay, I think. I don't hate who I am anymore, and I think it's because I've come to terms with it. I enjoy that destructive behavior, but I realize that moderation is the key. I've lost Leah forever, but I realize that she may have been The One for Old Shannon, but there's someone else out there for New Shannon. And I'm gonna find her some day. I live in my mom's basement, but I realize that I'm in grad school and that once I finish, I'm going to get a job teaching somewhere and get outta here. It's a pit-stop. It's not the end of the race.
I would still say I'm cynical and doubting, though. I keep entering into these relationships with these girls, and then I find some little nit-picky thing to dislike, and I sabotage it. Or I just become a direct asshole and make her hate me. I've done that... twice over the past few months. And I will probably be doing it again soon. That's the one thing I can't really figure out. I'm not sure why I keep doing this. I mean, with the first one, I know why. With the second one and with the one that may or may not happen shortly, I don't really get it. Why am I pushing them away? Do I subconsciously think they're not good enough and so I'm ending things before they get too complicated? Or am I just a shallow douche who isn't content with settling down? I'm not entirely sure. I'm sure I'll figure it out as time goes on, but it's not necessarily fair to the people involved. Which adds to the dislike of myself. But, the fact that I'm capable of getting these girls to become interested in me is countering that dislike. At least mostly.
With this current one, she's great. She's a sweet girl, and we have very similar senses of humor. She seems to genuinely care for me. She hurt my feelings today and when I called her on it, she legitimately wanted to make things right. She got upset and the fact that she hurt me. Really? I haven't felt that since... late 2007-early 2009. That's kind of incredible. But, for some reason, I can feel the urge to screw it up welling up inside me. Even tonight, when I was over there, the whole time, in my head I was thinking "I wonder how long I'm going to let this go on before I come up with some reason to end it." Who does that? I'll tell you. New Shannon. Why? Don't bother asking him. He has no clue.
We watched The Machinist tonight. Man, that's an excellent movie.
That's about all the reflecting I wanted to do tonight. I should get some sleep. I've been up till like 6 or later the past 3 or 4 nights. So yeah, time for sleep. I may get more in the habit of doing this blog thing, depending on whether or not I need to crank out some more of my inner crap. This was definitely helpful tonight. It didn't answer anything, but it allowed me to say some of the words that had been forming in the cloudy murky mess that is my mind. So I may empty more of my thoughts here later. Till then, stay classy Interwebs.
New Shannon
